suicide notes

Bloodshot eyes in the mirror
deep dark circles underneath
Groggy and strangling
under a backlog of sleep deprivation
my eyes have gained
a piercing quality
that I call resentment
Trying to avoid cliches
is none of my concern
Surviving another brutal, pointless day
is the only thing on my mind
Even things that normally consume me
have sloughed off
and now decay around me
I keep thinking
"if they could only see me now"
I wince
and then begins the rebuttal
You don't know how many times
I've seen myself:
black revolver in my mouth,
nighttime
on the corner of Klotz and Vale
(or somewhere close where she wouldn't have to find me)
praying for a pardon

I have dragged too many
into this morass of a life
What I wish for is a permanence
of darkness, of silence
I can hear your argument
before it leaves your mouth
You've got your Bad Times
You've got your Despair Faction
I have my suicide notes

I can't keep my hands clean
I can't keep my heart pure
but I persist
If your body is a temple
then I will defile it
If your body is the answer
then I will devour it
This is our home
we do what we want
so let's set it on fire
chase the night away
burn to the ground all our mistakes
look hard in the mirror
meet those bloodshot eyes
and imagine another way out.

sugar and adrenaline

You look at me
like you know you're dying
you look at me
like you know you're done
your time is limited
your breath shallower every day
What is it?
What do you intend to gain
with your foolish games?
Your lines are painfully written
meant for another man
Your eyes are red and haunted
like you dream of sleep
There is no future
in your land of lust
in your melancholic folly
My eyes find you older and grayer every day
my thoughts rest on you less and less
(and not at all)
I'm so close
you probably imagine my flesh
naked and preserved for you
What are the odds
you'll make it out of this
burning house alive?
Lust is on my breath
but you'll never taste it
The fire in my eyes
you can never return
Your pain is ever-present
and what I offer is a mixture
you cannot stomach
What you need
is a new fucking life
Don't blame me
for your feelings:
lost, broken, insipid
I live my life like I'm driving
a stolen car
like I was raised on
sugar and adrenaline
What can you possibly do or say
that will impress me
Try not being an asshole
try not sulking
try to smile once in a while
What is the point
in letting the devil win?
What is life
if you live it one preconception
at a time?
I am a gamble
and you are listless, bored
I pierce the sky
while you wallow in a shaded bedroom
If you show me yours
I'll show you mine
Who taught you how
to play this game?
I'm the anger
I'm the sin
you fear living without.

opinion (greg graffin)

The first thing I remember
was the friction in the room
And that brown spinet piano
that never played in tune
The cruel impatient tyrant
the frustrated malcontent
The need to find the pieces
and the absence of cement
No one ever told me about the right way to love
And no one ever showed me what we're supposed to be made of
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be
And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me
The last thing I remember
was the slamming of the door
And the resonance of my imperfection
broke the silence once more
The selfish angry bastard
who doesn't want to hear
I tried to learn compassion
you turned the other ear
No one ever told me about the right way to love
And no one ever showed me what we're supposed to be made of
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be
And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me
The worn out broken record
who doesn't fit the mold
The righteous independent
the mood so harsh and cold
Momma never told me about the right way to love
And Daddy never showed me what we're supposed to be made of
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be
And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me.

mind games

This is a tired game
Even though I am the only player
and I've made up the rules
I still cannot win
My mind is a rebellious child
forever meddling
forever fighting
always curious
and always looking
for the next cheap thrill
I have created someone
and she is easy
my words are perfect tools
my hands roam wantonly
you can only whimper
If I hurt you
you will cry
if I set you on fire
then we will burn together
Were you the one
who called me out of my control room
clean and bright
and shut the door behind me?
In the night of my soul
I am lost
and you are calling me
down a slippery path
In the control room
clean and bright
someone ugly sits in my stead
playing with things
he doesn't understand
If I imagine scenarios
to end this game
I must admit
none of them are pretty
none of them are fun
In the control room
clean and bright
the game goes on
I'm there on the screen
groping and groaning in the darkness
locked out of a game
I know I cannot win.