endless shadowboxing

These daydreams have made you weak
like the last day of school
the last game
the final test
If it was up to you
you would never leave
but reality cannot be ignored for long
This brief respite
cannot repair you in time
for the next miserable failure
If you say her name enough
the magic door will open
if you practice your lines
you might not lose face
We all want to be free men
we all need a measure of respect
but no one wants a cheap handout
no one wants the easy thrill
There is no excuse
for my criminal mind
I have wounded it, won it over
with chains and fetters of iron
In this controversy
who will stand in judgment?
who will explain the cause
for my endless shadowboxing
for the fantasies that seize me
the thoughts that free me
the mirror that reveals me
for this vain glory that I have attained?
I am ready now
and I'd like some answers
I have shredded your pages
looking for the reasons--
reasons why I can't
seem to let go
why I can't fathom moving on
Something very wrong
has been drilled into me
something that I need
has been taken from me
I'm not simply banged up a little
I'm officially non-functioning
What has it taken
to get me to this place
how many names, how many faces
tried to pull me the other way?
I was blinded
by clever half-truths and simple vanity
by her open mouth
her doll-like features
images flashing on naked nerves
penetrating, subjugating
laying in wait
to betray me another day.