suicide notes

Bloodshot eyes in the mirror
deep dark circles underneath
Groggy and strangling
under a backlog of sleep deprivation
my eyes have gained
a piercing quality
that I call resentment
Trying to avoid cliches
is none of my concern
Surviving another brutal, pointless day
is the only thing on my mind
Even things that normally consume me
have sloughed off
and now decay around me
I keep thinking
"if they could only see me now"
I wince
and then begins the rebuttal
You don't know how many times
I've seen myself:
black revolver in my mouth,
nighttime
on the corner of Klotz and Vale
(or somewhere close where she wouldn't have to find me)
praying for a pardon

I have dragged too many
into this morass of a life
What I wish for is a permanence
of darkness, of silence
I can hear your argument
before it leaves your mouth
You've got your Bad Times
You've got your Despair Faction
I have my suicide notes

I can't keep my hands clean
I can't keep my heart pure
but I persist
If your body is a temple
then I will defile it
If your body is the answer
then I will devour it
This is our home
we do what we want
so let's set it on fire
chase the night away
burn to the ground all our mistakes
look hard in the mirror
meet those bloodshot eyes
and imagine another way out.