leaving Ohio

It seemed fitting
to leave you like that
standing in the driveway
the rain mingling
with the tears on your face
forty-five degrees
as I drove away
under-slept and over-caffeinated
I crept through contruction
and out of overcast Ohio

here I sit at the side of the highway
gasoline fumes on the breeze
strangers in a hurry
and I in mourning

It was never enough for you
even more so now
it was never enough
but that's about to change
with nothing to hold onto
I hope you stay fixed and sure
because the clouds are clearing up
and the sun is breaking through
that's a metaphor, you see
for the future
for you and me.

 
How did it feel
when you threw your love away
when you turned
and walked the other way
how did you stand it
when the tears appeared
but you just couldn't stay

what a cold-hearted man
you've become
what a brave new world
you've begun
you've shed yourself
and have become
a beast, a monster
just a ghost who used to live here.

stitched

I've noticed some things
in the morning light
some things
I didn't catch last night:
beer bottles by the sink
discarded clothes
your panties on my nightstand
my shirt inside-out
everything a little disheveled
unshaved in the mirror
I can't hide my amusement

we've been braided like this
for so long
I feel what you feel
and you bleed it back to me
we are stitched together
by greater hands than these
my body fails me
these hands are rude and cruel
but you feel my heart through them
speaking right through

you've memorized your lines
like I asked you to
repeated them on time
locked me in
to your little world
told me to go nowhere
to think nothing
outside of here
and I did
what I was told to do
put myself right inside of you

I used to think
I could handle the danger
of life without you
but you know
I'd be a fool
to embrace anyone but you

that's the nature of addiction
you and I both know
I could never leave
and if I did
I would only
look for another one like you.

thousand-yard stare

The drugs have failed me
the night has penetrated me
and you are so far away
I am wrapped up in fear and shame
and everything unprofitable
those eyes in the mirror
I refuse to recognize as mine
chronic insomnia
brought on by chronic depression
has robbed me of any sense of myself
I exist and I persist
simply by force of habit
the end cannot come soon enough
the layers of my life
you can peel back like an onion
trauma upon trauma
has smothered me
I have retreated
to the dark core
and there I wait
for some sort of reprieve

these lines I write today
but it feels like
I've tattooed my flesh with them
a thousand times
I am a man
I am a miracle
I am alive
but I do not exist
there it is--
the dichotomy of being me

I know what I must do
to escape this prison
but I fear launching myself
into another, and worse
my faith is small
and my energy is meager
but big things can grow
out of these humble seeds

today I wait and rest
tomorrow I resist
this is what I need--
to fight and to fight and to fight
my battle is not yours
I don't expect you to understand
but I won't turn you down
if you want to lend a hand.

you (bad religion cover by emily davis and the somebodies)

*This song was mostly written by Brett, I believe.  I think he's the only one bold enough (silly enough?) to steal Beatles lyrics.  From the album No Control, one of Bad Religion's angriest.  This cover (and video) is incredibly well done.*

There's a place where everyone can be happy
it's the most beautiful place in the whole fuckin world
it's made of candy canes and planes and bright-red choo-choo trains
and the meanest little boys the most innocent little girls

and you know 

I wish that I could go there
it's a road that I have not found
and I wish you the best of luck, dear
drop a card or letter to my side of town

cause there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend
but baby I'm amazed at the hate that you can send
and you 

painted my entire world
but I

don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled
and I won't forget it

there's a place where everyone can be right
even though you remain determined to be opposed
admittance requires no qualifications
it's where everyone has been and where everybody goes

so please try not to be impatient for we all hate standin in line
and when the farm is good and bought
you'll be there without a thought
and eternity my friend is a long fuckin time

cause there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend
but baby I'm amazed at the hate that you can send
and you

painted my entire world
but I 

don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled
and I won't forget it.

it is beautiful

Maybe we can all hold hands
when the bloodletting is over
maybe we can look each other in the eye
as we wring the blood from our clothes
there's a place
where we can all be happy
but it's not here
and it's not now
there's an end coming
my heart races for it
and my mind stumbles toward it
there will be no
great and prolonged suffering
no truces, no lies
just the end of my tragic world
and no one but me
to witness it
I've determined there will be
no whimpering ending
no crying and no pain
just a split-second blip of fire and noise
the final exclamation for
every question I've ever had

and is it beautiful in our eyes?

the heat of you

There is rot in my gut
hate in my brain
there is the cold at the window
and the heat of you
waiting for me
we are all made of base things:
chemicals, DNA, bits of this and that
sown together
we walk and talk and act
somewhat human

what is it
amongst this mess we live in
that makes it worthwhile
there will always be pain
there will always be war
there won't always be you
or me, for that matter

these days are made for us
they dwindle, like everything created
these nights we burn through
in hope of more and better
but we all know
there is nothing better

the cold is here tonight
but tomorrow is burning through
with all the colors of love and trust
and faith
for the weak among us.