thousand-yard stare

The drugs have failed me
the night has penetrated me
and you are so far away
I am wrapped up in fear and shame
and everything unprofitable
those eyes in the mirror
I refuse to recognize as mine
chronic insomnia
brought on by chronic depression
has robbed me of any sense of myself
I exist and I persist
simply by force of habit
the end cannot come soon enough
the layers of my life
you can peel back like an onion
trauma upon trauma
has smothered me
I have retreated
to the dark core
and there I wait
for some sort of reprieve

these lines I write today
but it feels like
I've tattooed my flesh with them
a thousand times
I am a man
I am a miracle
I am alive
but I do not exist
there it is--
the dichotomy of being me

I know what I must do
to escape this prison
but I fear launching myself
into another, and worse
my faith is small
and my energy is meager
but big things can grow
out of these humble seeds

today I wait and rest
tomorrow I resist
this is what I need--
to fight and to fight and to fight
my battle is not yours
I don't expect you to understand
but I won't turn you down
if you want to lend a hand.