this monster of mine

There's a Post-it by your bed
that I fear will always be blank
From where I sit
it almost looks like a thought bubble
above your head
and I want to fill it
with dirty things
You must wonder a lot
about me these days
My familiar aggression seems to be bored
with self-inflicted mayhem
It's on the prowl
for something new to eat
I hope you get out
I hope you still have time
because I don't think I can handle
this monster of mine
Where can I take this
profound malevolence
and fire it off?
How can I break myself
so no one will know
no one will see?
How can I claw the way out
of this diseased and festering
skin of mine?
Dear reader
I know you don't have the answers
and I'm pretty sure
neither do I
So I sleep with the light on
because the darkness
has become so bold.

little miss diversion

You break my madness up
into pieces
you break it up
only then can I swallow
only then can I stomach it
What you allow
is up to me
anything, anywhere
I am a primordial god
aching with creative power
aching with words
I can only keep to myself
You eat from my fingers
tender and lovingly
whatever I choose
For the longest time
I believed you held fast
to the horns of power
but today I see
how weak you've become
I want to
lift you up
so we can see
eye to eye
So we can place
hand in hand
Let me stitch myself
into your soul
let me show you
what it means
to live and die
Your bright eyes and
your unrehearsed smile
only serve to throw my switches
What is it you intend to gain?
Ha
you intend nothing at all
there is no bluff
no secret power play
It's just me
and my naked imagination
staring longingly after you
I square off
only with myself
my sweaty prints
have been left clumsily
all over your images
You left hastily
you were always in flight
I'm left to bite down
on the leather strap
It's time for surgery
rid me of my disease
Cut off the offending hands
gouge out the offending eyes
Make me clean again
clean like an autumn sky
clean like a newborn
clean like the open plains
or the forest floor
Shower me with kerosene
burn me to my core
there is nothing more
to be learned from this
endless stream of diversion.

nothing more

There's always the sound of engines in the distance
of someone mowing their lawn
semis, diesel throb
cars slipping by to nowhere
That's fine
that's okay
I've just lost track of time
Simple times are back
with their multitudinous pleasures
I mean
I can't even recall
when it was ever this easy
Has my wanderlust
come home to roost?
Has my great plague ended?
The rain has penetrated me
coalesced with my bones
I've waxed old in strange places
but in this moment
I feel it sweating out of me
and rising to the sun
The forever wayfaring one
feels no need to travel on
not today
not with the sounds of Summer stirring
Maybe simple things
are heftier than previously thought
Right now
I need nothing more
than the look on your face.

paper doll

I've been trying to draw you close
for the longest time
but you just keep unraveling
my fucking line
You weren't meant to be kept
I get it
not by me
not by anyone
Your eyes have a wildness in them
your feet carry you swiftly away
always away from me
Whatever pulses in your veins
I know
it's nothing like what pulses in mine
You are made of something else
from the ground up
you were built with the rarest materials
You were nourished
never forgotten
never forsaken
What you are today
is everything that I was not
Is it this knowledge
that's driving me nuts
or is it something base and nameless?
You are perpetually free
frozen in my memory
etched in my corneas
I fill in the blanks
when you fall out of line
You have to exist that way
forever
you have to embody the way I never was.

love letters and DNA

In my dreams
I am a madman
incapable of self-defeat
immune to rejection
able to work witchcraft
with words and fingers
In my dreams
you are malleable
and I turn you over
in my knowing hands
But what you are
is some kind of wickedness
I will never understand
That is your beauty
that is your final word
that is my defeat
My dreams
are just tinfoil
in your storm of brimstone
Legends are made
of this sort of material
but I am not an epic character
If anything
I am tragic in nature
unable to transition
unable to see you
or myself
for what we are
I want to name you
I want to bring you
out of the shadows
out of that crippled part of me
out of that house falling in on itself
and into this broad place
this place where I wink
and you smile
and nothing is nothing
and everything is everything
Let me heal you of your hesitation
take my hand
Let's mend as one
There are minerals I need
in your so red blood
vitamins I lust for
in your hot, hot breath
How is it
I never saw you this way
in the beginning
How did your flame grow
into such an indefatigable firestorm?
I am consumed in it
inflicted by it
and you can't help
but look the other way
If that's how we'll play
these final moments
then I have to know
Did you feel nothing
when you were done
when you stepped in my blood
did you look back, look down
Did you think of me at all
or the marks I left on you--
splatters of red
love letters and DNA.

chasing taillights

Your taillights
have grown dim in the distance
and I can't get up to speed
It feels like a dream
but the quiet gives way
to the sound of engines sucking air
and the unnerving knowledge
that I'm running on empty
Did you burst my bubble
or did I do it myself?
For once in my life
I don't care to answer
this ongoing inquisition
The questions have become monsters
the answers have become burdens
and I have become the scapegoat
Surely,
I haven't wrought all of this
How can one man
hate himself so much?
Now I see that
you've turned off my road forever
Am I lonelier?
My hands will take the violence
they've been taught
and they will inflict it inward
always inward
until my patience turns to blackness
and my hope the color of murder
There will be those who wonder
who did this to me
but I just wonder
when it's going to end.

these old songs

Twelve years ago
I saw the best show of my life
twelve years ago
I waded in deep
no apologies
front row
me in the center
I reveled in the beat,
the sweat, the blood
and all the rest
Now, I've let it lay still
in the quiet dust
Thirteen years ago
you entered my atmosphere
It's hard to believe
I was ever able to breathe
without you
You were such an unreality
I vowed to give you form
These old songs
are still on my playlist
Does that tell you anything?
Do you see my body rocking?
It's just my heart beating
now let's pick up
where we left off
because the night
can't get any colder
and my words can't get
much bolder
It's you and me
It's a private thing
we dance to our own cadence.

whipping boy

Write me some of that
shitty ass poetry, boy
You've filled notebooks
with the same "poor me" tripe
since you were in high school
Tell me about your numbered days
and all the ways
you imagine ending it all
You're right--
you've wandered down
an idiot path
Now you can't get your head
out of your ass
long enough to count your blessings
You've made yourself
some kind of pathetic
whipping boy
Simple man, my ass
you have a thousand various ways
of defeating yourself
What would a day be like
without all of your piteous noise?
Would the future seem better
if you could lay off the guilt?
Would the nights pass peacefully
if you were able to stop
dipping your heart
in broken glass and fear?
I like to imagine
these things for you
I know, too
that you keep your pain close.

tuesday blues

Loneliness has permeated
my substrate
and leached into my bones
I'm at the point
I don't feel anything
but desperation
I'm abandoned once again
like that kid waiting for a ride
that will never come
In these moments
my own thoughts
are enemies
and they're armed to the teeth
There is a price to pay
for freedom
a price to pay
for all my hard-won battles
and the will
to stand alone
I came so far
and deserted so much
just to find myself
once again
alone
Turning inward is out of the question
I've stormed those shores
every day of my life
I must abandon the abandonment
invade the invaders
these wounds can lick themselves
There are no reasons to persist
just the hands of the clock
and the sound of my name
in the mouth of a beautiful woman.

you melt away

Don't talk to me
of right and wrong
I'm too crippled
to accomplish either
Don't bother
spelling it out for me
I've already traced every detail
I know what my sins are
but this isn't one of them
I wish I had the strength
to hold such a beautiful mess together
I don't want your
naked body on me
I just want to see
everything that you see
I need to drink deeply
from your hot blood,
your endless reserves
Please tell me
that I'm not that far gone
I just need
someone to believe
In the night
I feel your questioning eyes
Under the sun
I can see you melt away
You are real
but I will never know you
beyond the confines
of my convict mind.