leaving Nebraska

I feel like
there are ten people inside me
and they all want
something different
Sometimes I feel you watch me
a little too closely
Am I getting out of hand?
There was a time
when I ruled the world
If I look closely
in the dimmest parts of my memory
it's still there
That's me on the playground
still having fun
that's me still basking
in the setting sun
I have a thousand handfuls
of these rusted dreams
and bullshit schemes
All I wanted to do was get out
all I wanted to do
was find you
I got out
but I didn't get far
Everything chasing me
was always inside
I didn't want to be there
I vowed to leave there
I cried myself to sleep for weeks
after we moved there
I never wanted anything from anyone
but a ticket out
Yet, I grew there
became a man there
stared down so many awful days there
and here I stand
rearranged and stamped by it
I just want some peace
before I die
but there's no peace inside
Peace smells like boredom
and that's one concept I despise
No, I haven't been back
and make no plans to do so
No, I didn't leave
any part of me there
just so much wasted time
So remember me
and the way I was
shooting hoops until the light was gone
because that's the way
I'll always be.

you and me (guest lyrics)

I wish I could
hold you
break you down
make you tell me everything so trapped inside you
Make me understand
what lies beneath
piece by piece
moment by moment
So much pain
hatred
rage
desire
It's hard not to feel like I'm somehow responsible

But if you promise me
we can
keep us pure
keep us together
keep us--
us
then fuck the world
and whatever it throws our way
because at the end of the day
we are what matters
not the others
not the separate lives
not the past
but this
you and me
here and now
forever.

walking off the whiskey

I have no fear
you should know
I don't sleep
I don't weep
I don't feel anything
but pain and desperation
Watching you
is like watching
a house on fire
but I'm pretty sure
no one gets hurt
In this bitter night
under a tepid moon
I hunt for you
Back home they're wondering
why I didn't clean up
my blood, my hate
The faithful few
tried to suppress the flames
but I was too far gone
Fire is desire
and if I kill desire
you get closer
If you get closer
I'll never get what I want
What I want is peace
What do you want from me?
I know all kinds of things
about you
but not the right things
I'm too tired
and I'm too old
to keep coming back here
I'm not sixteen and carefree
I'm not anything
beyond the end of the street
Tell me something--
anything new
because all I hear
is claustrophobic nonsense
Give me something--
anything for my hands to grasp
because they need
to stay busy and clean
Dirty girls make for
dirty rhymes
I don't have the time
to waste anymore
with cheap hooks and paperback books
Something shut off in me
when you said you couldn't take any more
Something rearranged in me
when I saw your blood on the floor
No game is worth this pain
the night is cold
and it makes me want you
here with me
like the happy ending
that never comes.

the price I pay

Your face is pornography
or something like it
How I want to crush you
where you lay
break you up
and carry you with me
I want to melt you down
into purer parts
burn off the dross
stand alone with you
What is the price I pay
for this time with you?
What is the temptation worth?
Murder is the price--
I pay it every day
I put feet in these shoes
The days flare by in whites and blues
burning both ends now--
too much to drink
not enough sleep
too many voices
crowding in on me
Again, ask me
what is the price I pay?
It's everything
you, me and peace
at the end of the street
Nothing is left
but hangovers and rage
nothing is left
but the bliss in your eyes
when we finally meet

You think that suicide
takes balls, boy?
Endure this endless loneliness
come back and tell me
what you think
This is it--
a roar inside is all I need
your eyes, your lips
so wet, so open
so enamored with what you see
Let me take you apart
stick my fingers
where they don't belong
Who am I to judge?
I've done everything I shouldn't
Who are you to disagree?
you're only everything I need
You are the girl
with the rebellious hair
I fell in love with
You are the one
who still waits for me
on the other side
of so many nightmares.

junkyard tom

This is my desktop picture. Not sure why. I guess I like the open space and the strange angle on the rusting, angry truck. I think all trucks should look like this. Not something to mess with. "Let me do my job, park me, and leave me alone."
Maybe that's just me talking. I feel the same way. Let me do my job. Let me rust. Give me some time on the road and I'll show you my worth. Just don't take me for granted.

tomorrow be damned

Another day, another dollar
so many questions still linger
but there's a bottle of bootleg
waiting for me at home
Silly girls will always exist
boys still fight the same fights
fueled by the same light beer
and I still crave the same woman
Nothing changes
nothing rearranges
like a tall glass of corn whiskey
It burns like the devil
and it makes you feel like a god
It is the chemical equation
to make all of my pain go away
Clear as water
easy on the eyes
and not a drop is wasted
Tomorrow be damned
I will steal this moment
like a wicked man
Is that Therapy? on the stereo?
is that my notebook laying open
ready for more hate, more rape?
I can see beyond heaven here
I can waste into the night
my soul is on fire
my feet have gone numb
Don't leave me alone
with the stereo
don't let these idle hands
forget their master
In your absence
I have a hard time remembering
who I am or what I want
That's right--
I want it all
A brilliant riddle--a chimera
is methodically stalking me
her name is all of them
Fused like that
she can make me weak
in order to survive
I've become a myth myself
in order to see tomorrow
I must subvert today
in order to wake with you
in the morning
I must pervert the night
If you think about me
say a prayer
because these hands
won't be idle for long.

one thing about loneliness

Something very dark
is crawling through my brain
something very dark
is roaming freely
through every corridor
That's one thing about loneliness
you'll accept all sorts of company
This time it's you
in your underwear
doing things I've read about
but never have seen
So much lust is caving in on me
and jealousy is calling the shots
I can't own something wild
I can't make any part of you mine
This is a study in repression
and regret
and guilt
and shame
So here I am again
trying to heal myself
trying to understand myself
trying everything--
but failing
There's a riddle
hidden deep inside all of this
but God damn me
I can't reason it out
Dear reader
forgive me for everything
If I knew another way
I would perform it
If I was made of something better
these things wouldn't bother me
but I live in a cold
and empty house
with lots of windows
(so it doesn't feel so much like prison)
Sometimes in the night
I know you see me
staring out those big windows
You know my body's there
but I've left you
I'm a thousand miles away
doing a thousand things
I'll never get a chance to do.