one thing about loneliness

Something very dark
is crawling through my brain
something very dark
is roaming freely
through every corridor
That's one thing about loneliness
you'll accept all sorts of company
This time it's you
in your underwear
doing things I've read about
but never have seen
So much lust is caving in on me
and jealousy is calling the shots
I can't own something wild
I can't make any part of you mine
This is a study in repression
and regret
and guilt
and shame
So here I am again
trying to heal myself
trying to understand myself
trying everything--
but failing
There's a riddle
hidden deep inside all of this
but God damn me
I can't reason it out
Dear reader
forgive me for everything
If I knew another way
I would perform it
If I was made of something better
these things wouldn't bother me
but I live in a cold
and empty house
with lots of windows
(so it doesn't feel so much like prison)
Sometimes in the night
I know you see me
staring out those big windows
You know my body's there
but I've left you
I'm a thousand miles away
doing a thousand things
I'll never get a chance to do.