your pathetic words

So here's a note
from your muse
You can take it
and shove it up your ass
stupid motherfucker
I'm burning
all of your love letters
burning all of your sophomoric notes
If you have something to say
say it to my face
not to your bathroom stall of a journal
and not in the middle of the night
I don't need
your pathetic words
I hope this is closure for you
because I know you'll never change
How do I know?
I've been watching you
you're pretty fucking boring
try deviating from your routine
once in a while
you might find
something you like
something other than
whatever's strangling you
something other than
what is obviously not working
Maybe someday
you'll come to your senses and realize
that we could have gotten along
we could have been friends
You can't keep
making girls into
what you want them to be
I am what I am
and I am
shutting you down
you creepy fuck.

still in the packaging

Here it comes
another one
these days I drip
with apologies
I leach guilt and shame
my exhaust is a poisonous mix
of lust and violence
Like every neglected machine
I bleed in vital chemicals
I know I've got to get somewhere
but no one is helping me

I've been the devil's advocate
I've sung in the church choir
the pretty girl in the pew
two bodies down
Michelle
she drove me crazy
I didn't know what I wanted
or how to get there
but she was the answer
to that fucked up equation
I don't know what she felt
when I was around
(probably nothing)
but when I saw her
the ground gave way

Too many years were spent
pining for a girl
who never heard me
pining for the girl
who would set the stage
for every obsession to follow
She is the mold
she is the one
who refuses to be recreated
what a smile
and her dark eyes would light up
Regrets, I have them
but more than anything
curiosity
Whatever happened
to such a brilliant girl?
What about Trisha Aspegren
and whatever it was she symbolized
to my fourteen year-old self?
For someone who thought
girls were a waste of time
Kristin Braley still resonates
she was the first girl I liked
I was, what, five years old?
she was a year older
and an object of worship
I was forgettable, forgotten

My apologies are weak
my actions even weaker
but no one is judging me now
I'm obsessed with a girl
half my age
and I fear it's just a fix
just a reflex
from an ancient and rusty set of synapses
still holding on
to such pretty girls
still in the packaging.

how long (samiam)

The corner store is out of
your brand of cigarettes
the rain has stopped
and left the dark gray sidewalks wet
twice burned
you're saying things
that you would like to forget
it's been a while since you
lost your confidence
a nervous smile
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
how long does it take
to know it's not just circumstance
how long should I wait
knowing there won't be another chance
too much
too late
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
there's nothing left to see
see my eyes closed in fear
tell me what I want to hear
how long does it take
to know it's not just circumstance
how long should I wait
knowing there won't be another chance
too much
too late
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
there's nothing left to say
see my eyes shut with fear
can you tell me I'm not really here
how long does it take
to know it's not just circumstance
how long should I wait
knowing there won't be another chance
too much
too late
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
how long

cheating

Here we go
time to drown myself again
I have too many symptoms
and not enough rhyme
to keep myself alive
and this strange mix of stimuli
is corroding my peace of mind
seems like
I'll never get it right
When I woke up this morning
I knew
I had done all
and seen all
I ever wanted to
What's missing?
these walls don't have the answer
I control the drowning
because I've lost every other battle
It is my choice
to extinguish my voice
with a jar of burning
with a six pack of hate
If I can't silence the voices
if I can't suppress the fantasies
if I can't forget your face
then let me feel
nothing at all
I will be alone and free
let me have my temporary fix
my chemical lobotomy
Let me see your colors running
your mouth moving silently
your eyes big and believing
like they were
before you understood
you could easily crush me
you could easily build me up
and crush me again
There's nothing more pathetic
than a loner
who doesn't want to be alone anymore
nothing sadder
than the disappointment in your eyes
You finally know
how deep my desperation runs
how fortified my hopelessness is
how methodical my suicidal ways are
Do you get it now?
I just wanted to be like you
When I drink the damage
I feel your warmth
your legs parting for me
your eyes resisting nothing
and your mouth on mine
This is me cheating
this is my death dance
this is me erasing
everything you know about me.

the things we shouldn't say

I don't fucking see you
and I don't fucking hear you
and I'm letting go of you
am I getting this right?
let me know
if I leave something out
maybe it's better
having these separate, simple lives
maybe it's better
to not try at all
I don't fucking care anymore
and I'm fucking self-centered
and we can't agree on anything
What is the point
if this is all we get--
this simulated existence
this controlled burn?
The things we shouldn't say
are the things strangling me
like I can't read your eyes
and the wickedness
on your trembling lip
you think this is about
some other girl
maybe you think I'm bored
but the truth isn't nearly as interesting
and I don't care for lies
What I need is what I'm not getting
what I am
is slowly rotting
I have faced the facts
that's the problem
I have walked the line
and found myself
far from home
I don't know how
this strange blood
got in my veins
all I know is that
you don't understand
I keep shutting down
parts of myself
hoping that I'll find the faulty ones
hoping that death
will furnish some sort of victory
It is a war
of my will
against the wildness that defines me
some day I'll win
and someday I'll wonder
was it worth the price?