still in the packaging

Here it comes
another one
these days I drip
with apologies
I leach guilt and shame
my exhaust is a poisonous mix
of lust and violence
Like every neglected machine
I bleed in vital chemicals
I know I've got to get somewhere
but no one is helping me

I've been the devil's advocate
I've sung in the church choir
the pretty girl in the pew
two bodies down
Michelle
she drove me crazy
I didn't know what I wanted
or how to get there
but she was the answer
to that fucked up equation
I don't know what she felt
when I was around
(probably nothing)
but when I saw her
the ground gave way

Too many years were spent
pining for a girl
who never heard me
pining for the girl
who would set the stage
for every obsession to follow
She is the mold
she is the one
who refuses to be recreated
what a smile
and her dark eyes would light up
Regrets, I have them
but more than anything
curiosity
Whatever happened
to such a brilliant girl?
What about Trisha Aspegren
and whatever it was she symbolized
to my fourteen year-old self?
For someone who thought
girls were a waste of time
Kristin Braley still resonates
she was the first girl I liked
I was, what, five years old?
she was a year older
and an object of worship
I was forgettable, forgotten

My apologies are weak
my actions even weaker
but no one is judging me now
I'm obsessed with a girl
half my age
and I fear it's just a fix
just a reflex
from an ancient and rusty set of synapses
still holding on
to such pretty girls
still in the packaging.