cheating

Here we go
time to drown myself again
I have too many symptoms
and not enough rhyme
to keep myself alive
and this strange mix of stimuli
is corroding my peace of mind
seems like
I'll never get it right
When I woke up this morning
I knew
I had done all
and seen all
I ever wanted to
What's missing?
these walls don't have the answer
I control the drowning
because I've lost every other battle
It is my choice
to extinguish my voice
with a jar of burning
with a six pack of hate
If I can't silence the voices
if I can't suppress the fantasies
if I can't forget your face
then let me feel
nothing at all
I will be alone and free
let me have my temporary fix
my chemical lobotomy
Let me see your colors running
your mouth moving silently
your eyes big and believing
like they were
before you understood
you could easily crush me
you could easily build me up
and crush me again
There's nothing more pathetic
than a loner
who doesn't want to be alone anymore
nothing sadder
than the disappointment in your eyes
You finally know
how deep my desperation runs
how fortified my hopelessness is
how methodical my suicidal ways are
Do you get it now?
I just wanted to be like you
When I drink the damage
I feel your warmth
your legs parting for me
your eyes resisting nothing
and your mouth on mine
This is me cheating
this is my death dance
this is me erasing
everything you know about me.