a man should know

I've wandered so far
from every signpost I've ever known
I've achieved a comfortable loneliness
Anyway,
I doubt anyone misses me
These wastelands I inhabit,
are they my home?
I was born at a time, in a place
that I can no longer conjure
Who I was, what I did
no longer have any bearing
A man should know where he comes from
but I have a hard time
keeping it straight
Did any of it leave a mark?
Did anyone become a part of me?
Is there a litmus test for this,
something to make me remember?
I always preferred the alley ways,
the subtle jokes to the grotesque
My sin was a big one--
the sun was always blinding and
I wanted it all for myself
Those things that make you feel small
are the things you vow to own
but I couldn't contain you
could I?
You will stand taller every day
and I will sink into the shadows
still squinting at your sunlight.

a (country) love song

I cain't sing very well
but if I could
I'd sing a song
to my very best friend
She's always there
when I need her
always ready and eager
She's all I'll ever need
I drink beer
to get a little crazy
I drink beer
to keep me safely sane
I drink a little
to get on in the world
I drink a lot
to fuck things up
Don't tell me
that you've never met her
she's the best a man can get
she comes in so many
shapes and sizes
so many colors,
numbers and flavors
I drink beer
when I want to get rowdy
I drink beer
when I want to cry
I drink a little bit
when it's raining and cold
I drink a lot
when the sun comes out
Please tell your friends
about my special woman
I'm not the type
to get jealous
You can go your own way, my friend
but before you do
have one on me
I drink beer
for God and America
I drink beer
from satan's cup
I drink some
when I'm thirsty
I drink a bunch
when I really shouldn't
That's my story, yeah
that's my tale
If you don't believe me, man
you can go straight to hell
Beer ain't something
to keep to yourself
It's love in a bottle
don't keep it on a shelf
If you're wise
then you'll heed my words
love your friends
and buy another round.

sixteen

She's a visual reminder
of what you feel
that's why she's become so
dangerous
You can hide from yourself
but you can't hide
from the way she makes you feel
There is no pleasure in her presence
just an aching, empty spot
and a cauldron of anxiety
threatening to overflow
Keep it together
you tell yourself
keep it together
but it's not doing any good
Your words, your thoughts
have become strangers--
and the most impolite kind of strangers
I want to run
I want to scream
douse me with gasoline
burn me in the street
until I am clean
Looking for trouble
seems to be my new addiction
and trouble is staring back at me
from every mirror
There's no going back
for the pieces I lack
there's nothing in her eyes that I need
just my own enumerations
and endless conjuring of ghosts
of when I was sixteen.

talking to myself

It feels like drowning
when you take my words
and drop them
I don't know where they go
but I know you can't understand them
It feels like strangulation,
the endless waiting
You're close
but I can't make you mine
It's like hearing the same song
but it sends us
two different places
Well
I've known this song my whole life
and you're just now hearing it
Does it sound stale,
over-rehearsed, over-produced?
I'm sorry
but I only have one version
and I sing every line
to an apathetic audience
Maybe I like it this way--
to be misunderstood
and to feel the constant drowning,
life slipping away
I'm hopeless
I've been this way for too long
but there's something
in the back of your eyes
that tells me I'm close.

breaking up the band

Again, you've cast yourself
in a shitty drama
and all the girls' voices
sound tense and flat
If you keep vomiting
up your lines
you'll be okay
Just tell yourself
you'll be okay
You've worked too hard
for too long
to blow this shit
Do you really want
to trade the girl
with the movie star name
for the girl
with the stripper's name?
You've proven to yourself
that you can do a lot
with a little
but what happens
when you get too much?
Too many voices
are crowding in on you
too many eyes
are waiting for you to fall
For too long
your hands have been
the servants of a fool
for too long
you've broken your promises
and sifted through the carnage
Can't you see
you're tunneling into
another massive mistake?
It's one thing
to wage a war on yourself
but you can't control
the collateral damage
You can't control
what happens
after the bomb drops.

ten feet tall

If I do it again
she gains more power
If I write these words
she grows bigger
That little girl has no idea
she's ten feet tall
I cringe, I burn
the closer she gets
Little does she know
she's become a menace
This silent war
is my own making
and it has no end
This silent war
rages only when she is near
On some level
does she know,
could she know?
My only hope is to understand
this mechanism compelling me
before I lose all control
I have to know
how it works
and why I can't face it
or walk away
It sits between the two
mocking me
She's an unreality I have fostered
but now she wants everything.