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To Mom,

Why I want a tattoo:

*Because Random Acts of Violence is so
much cooler than Six Pack of Hate.
*Because people respect it when you
don't give a fuck what people think.
*Mine will be special, not some clip art.
*Everyone will know that I'm hardcore.
*It's not tribal or barbed-wire inspired.
*It is an icebreaker, after random sex.
*Guys will respect it as much as the ladies.
*It is two parts Morrisey to three parts
Snapcase.
*Girls won't know what the fuck I'm talking
about when I explain it, but the end result
will always be more pussy.
*I will be endlessly more photogenic and
streetwise.
*Positive ID for my pretty corpse.
*It goes so well with my two-day beard.
*We all need something permanent
(okay, occasional touch-ups).
*I designed this shit myself because I'm
deep and I have to express myself.
*The artist is giving me a price-break.
*I was joking when I said I wanted a tattoo
of a butt--on my butt.
*Grandma thought it would be cool.
*Grandma also likes PBR.
*Unlike the last CD I bought, I will never
regret it.
*Jesus has tattoos! Not that Jesus. He also
helps me fix my truck and afterward we
talk about the drugs we used to do and the
girls we used to know.
*It's a reminder of something I need to be
reminded of. It's hard to run away from.
*It's a rite of passage for my pansy, white,
suburban ass.
*Did I mention the "I heart Mom"?
*It's a gateway drug--on to the piercings.
*I should be able to snare the unhealthy-looking
girls in the health food aisle. You know, the
ones with the unnatural shades of hair color
and obvious eating disorders.
*I sold my subwoofers to get it with color.
*I cover myself with an inky armor so I can
live in a painful world.