plan x

It wouldn't take much--
when I close my eyes
it's easy to imagine
I wouldn't leave that much behind
if I were to disappear
thousands of pages just like this
thousands of dollars of debt
thousands of tears
and not much else
I want desperately to disappear
and I have help--
a drug that comes
looking for me
follows me home
calls my name
a co-conspirator in the quest
to extinguish myself
I've tried for so many years
to speed up this process
Why don't I just go
for the violent, bloody end?
after all
we all appreciate a strong ending
not this whimper
not this kicking at the pricks
not this tearful dirge
this slow procession
into the welcoming night

Maybe things won't always be this way
maybe there is a cure
for this pain
maybe someday I'll wake up
and finally know the answer

Sitting in my car
on the edge of the parking lot
sometimes I imagine
never going back--
leaving, right then and there
but
of course
everyone knows
I checked out years ago
One by one,
they've tried to draw me in
one by one,
I've disappointed them
sorry girls, I know the score
you're on plan A
I'm on plan X
You will build your kingdoms
I will be here
still drinking these bitter tears
I finger these thoughts
and file them away
There is hope
I will wait for her
and those short and sweet moments
before I have to do it all again.