cease and desist

This liberty of mine
has become a stumbling block to you
this coldness that I feel
has blown into you
For me it's nothing
I've spent my life
in the mire, in the abyss
You don't understand what it's like
and I don't want you to
So now my words
carry a different meaning
I will sing a different tune
I will modify
I will obscure
I will carry on under duress
but you cannot know
Try reading between the lines
of a blank page
If this liberty
has set us at odds
then I will cease and desist
and blend with the rest of humanity
Let me know if you need
this unnecessary pain
in your life
I've got plenty to offer.

tricky parts

That girl who has become
a question mark
has no idea the pains she has caused
and now I think I have the answer
We all know
I've gone about things
the wrong way
but to what extent?
As I sit here surrounded
by hastily scribbled shards of poetry
I can see
the fullness of my mistake

For too long
I couldn't breathe these thoughts
couldn't speak these words
every notion was on lockdown
every day was a new battle
for control, for censorship
Sitting in the stagnation
waiting for the promise of movement
was an unkind suffering
all I know is
I can't breathe this dead air
From where I sit now
it's easy to see
how pale my truth is
compared to the healthy glow of reality
I have made a blunder
mistook innocent deeds
for a dangerous game
Now I can laugh and deride myself
I allowed the unreality
to exist and grow
I stood by while the truth
took it on the chin
It's better than simple boredom
better than the empty feeling
coursing through me now
How can you break up something
that never existed?
This is how far I have retreated
into myself, into the abyss

Look me in the eyes
you should see it there
Sure, I know better now
but tomorrow waits for me
with a coldness you don't understand
You can take me anywhere
dear lover
you know
I'm going to come back
to this dark and brooding place
with the blood on the walls
stench in the air
and me in my easy chair
taking you all in
taking you all apart
and putting you back together
unsure of how any of you work
I sit here with the dull feeling
that I've just begun
to understand
girls and their tricky parts.

the apology

I feel sorry for you
I feel the need to apologize
After all
I am to blame
Sometimes I wish
you'd be done with me
for your own sake
sad and angry loner-types
are a hard lot to live with
I am your Heathcliff
a madman, a forever malcontent
And then there are the odd obsessions
I've been bringing home
and feasting on like delicious poison--
girls, one at a time
to drive us both insane
I've said too much
and am determined to clean up my messes
In my own defense
these twisted, unlike-me thoughts
have crawled out of a morass
of loneliness and desperation
Laughable situations and silly girls
are strangely serious and imposing
It's like waking up one day
and seeing that the rules have changed
you are no longer in charge
So here it is--
the apology
I don't know what's come over me
Is it some sort of disease?
Someday I'll know
what's turned me inside-out
someday I'll find myself
clothed and in my right mind
but right now
with the interrogation lights in the eyes
I can't imagine tomorrow
or the horrors beyond it
without you near
without your hot hand in mine
What you should do
is crush me like a cockroach
What you should do
is put an end to the nonsense
I hope you think twice
and spare me
not for the sake of my diseased core
but in hopes of a cure
I've gotten into trouble
it's true
Your dreams are informers
my dreams are liars
and they're leading us astray
my hope is that someday soon
we'll both wake up.

the music remains

I want you to know
my stereo is still proud
it is still loud
AFI, Face to Face, Bad Religion,
Social Distortion, Fugazi, Samiam:
so many dead and dying bands
still linger here
I am a peddler of acrid noise
caustic lyrics, rotting dreams

Why didn't Samiam have a hit?
they're better than Green Day
Why don't more people know
punk rock is just amped up folk music?

Would it matter
any of my words?
It's all in the sound
and how it hits you
The kids don't get it
they want Faces of Death, tattoos, unlimited texting
caffeine and The Family Guy
Here I am today
so far removed
from where I started
I don't even recognize myself
I can't breathe without the hate
can't sleep without the noise
Here I am expanding
The music can't stretch to fit
I'm wasted on the lyrics
I've tasted of the truth
Shadows shorten
shadows lengthen
but the music
remains the same.

burning televisions

Can you see those flickers in the night sky?
wars raging
disasters merging
time marching menacingly
toward an unholy future
There are those among us
kicking and screaming
and digging in their heels
but we know
that they will soon be taken care of
When the protests end
submission begins
when the fire in the eyes dies
the whole world grows dimmer
So
"scare up some hope
you're gonna need it just to cope"
and help yourself
if platitudes please you
These nights have a sinister side
and I don't feel like hiding anymore
you can sing your hymns
I'll sing mine
who cares if they don't align?
All I know is
my Maker is staring me in the eye
and all of my excuses
have soured in my hand
We all have to die
but I don't have to fear that fact
So it goes
now you know
living is a fraud
if you live in fear.

so emo

There is no warning in this murky night
there is just silence
cold silence
indifferent silence
an ocean of silence above and beyond
Can anything penetrate
this empty, defeated feeling
I'm carrying around?
Gray days have come and gone
but I still struggle and mope

God, you're so emo, they say
I say, Hey, I was emo before emo was cool
and follow with
if emo was ever cool
I'm pretty sure some of them think emo is cool
I'm pretty sure none of them think I'm cool
My jokes are my faithful defense
but my jokes are watching their backs
because of bigger, meaner ones in the water
The fresher the joke
the bigger the teeth
and I've been feeding mine for far too long
It's safe to say
they've grown older and duller with me

What is the point, you ask
where is the insight
the bravery to bare all
Well,
it lies in the world of desire
because desire informs reality
and friend
I have lost every desire
but the thought
that I could easily disappear
and no one would care or wonder
or ponder or probe
Have you heard these words
echoed in someone else?
Have they haunted you
as they haunt me?
Have you felt the same urge
to erase your reflection in the mirror?
Do you even bother with mirrors anymore
or are you too fragile?
What happens when the questions stop
and the silence begins?
Do you feel the hands of time lurching methodically
or do you feel nothing at all?
Your heart races in anticipation
the end is an emotion
and you rapturously wait to disappear.

redemption road

These bloodshot eyes
are searching hard in the mirror
trying to fathom
some sort of redemption
trying to remember
what's done it before
I remember those days after school
cleats in hand
down by the track
hard work, dirty work
toiling in the sun
walking in the moonlight
the dashboard lights
of an ill-fated Civic
poured upon my misery
howling on cassette
and a girl I lost
hemorrhaging out of me
To run like I have
is to be driven
to face it now
is some sort of madness
It is a flood
and my destiny
is caught up in it
My answer is still and silent
next to me
shaded by sheets
and waiting to meet me
on redemption road.

whispering goodbye

There is nothing but treachery
in this neither world,
this space between reality and dreams
I bleed out my colors here
my cells have lost their structure
they've ruptured
and I bathe in everything
I've ever denied
Your face is just a shadow
it never mattered anyway
you're just a type,
a cut-out, an idol, a talisman
You can't stand the fact
that I'm throwing you away
so you soak me in your magic,
your sticky dew
Your soft parts, your hard parts
call out to me
Your siren wail is calculating and perfect
I imagine writhing with you
enraptured, engulfed by you
and you furiously texting
looking away when my eyes close
closing your eyes when mine open
always two seconds ahead
and eternally unaware of the brilliance
of my words
and how impatiently you stamped out
my well-crafted jokes
It is a perfect place to meet you,
this neither place
because even here
you are an impossible puzzle

This era of my great mistake
is coming to a close
I feel you dying inside of me
I did this--
created every line that was never said
spawned every evil notion about you
drew in the margins of your dirty book
shaded you every color
tweaked your contrast
enlarged your eyes
bled myself into your mouth
and kept you naked and scared
all for myself
Don't you see
it's not what you have
it's what I lack that's festering
between us
When my sin abounds
you are there to soak up the blows
to hold in the tears
and only ask for more
You are a wicked animal
I am your creator
holding the knife to your throat
and whispering goodbye.