tricky parts

That girl who has become
a question mark
has no idea the pains she has caused
and now I think I have the answer
We all know
I've gone about things
the wrong way
but to what extent?
As I sit here surrounded
by hastily scribbled shards of poetry
I can see
the fullness of my mistake

For too long
I couldn't breathe these thoughts
couldn't speak these words
every notion was on lockdown
every day was a new battle
for control, for censorship
Sitting in the stagnation
waiting for the promise of movement
was an unkind suffering
all I know is
I can't breathe this dead air
From where I sit now
it's easy to see
how pale my truth is
compared to the healthy glow of reality
I have made a blunder
mistook innocent deeds
for a dangerous game
Now I can laugh and deride myself
I allowed the unreality
to exist and grow
I stood by while the truth
took it on the chin
It's better than simple boredom
better than the empty feeling
coursing through me now
How can you break up something
that never existed?
This is how far I have retreated
into myself, into the abyss

Look me in the eyes
you should see it there
Sure, I know better now
but tomorrow waits for me
with a coldness you don't understand
You can take me anywhere
dear lover
you know
I'm going to come back
to this dark and brooding place
with the blood on the walls
stench in the air
and me in my easy chair
taking you all in
taking you all apart
and putting you back together
unsure of how any of you work
I sit here with the dull feeling
that I've just begun
to understand
girls and their tricky parts.