you bleed

I know you bleed for me
I see it dripping
every time you speak
What you want from me
is some kind of a sign
that I'm still alive
You sing your songs
and I dance along
That's the way
we've always been
So many nights
I begged you
to be alone with me
but you wouldn't bend
to my selfish needs
When we lived in the corner apartment
on Napoleon Road
there were so many times
I thought I lost you
Breathing in that dirty air
was a potent form of unkindness
I didn't walk away
but I did smoke more cigarettes
took long walks
was unafraid of the darkness
saw your face everywhere
and got drunk in my green chair
People said I went strange
something solidified
madness tore though me
Under a cold moon
all I had was you
but you were always so far away

Time has barely changed us
we are similar enough
to appreciate one another
Different enough
to always wonder
Sometimes I feel
you regard me as a time bomb
sometimes
I see the panic in your eyes
"Get your shit together,"
I can hear you say
but part of me
is still laying under that dirty air
paralyzed, barely breathing
staring at the alarm clock
certain that suffering
doesn't last forever.

quietly, like drowning

I've given up
many evils
the ones that remain
remain strong
A vice can take you over
a vice can make you small
Am I a child
to be punished by my own actions?
It is a strangely safe thing
to repeat a mistake
to crave a mistake
to live a mistake
It is the epitome of unrewarding
so why do I do it?
It's better than
sitting still
being bored
watching television
always thinking about it
always wanting it
To kill desire
is to kill yourself
I consider these deadly actions
strangely life-affirming
Sure,
I'd be better off
without these chemical lusts
but would I live in a home
without a fire?
Would I make love
without desire?
Life is a series
of hard questions
I have a propensity to cheat
Let me write the questions
let me fill in the blanks
With all the noise in my head
I barely know my own name
and I've nearly forgotten
where I've come from
These stories all end the same--
quietly, like drowning.

a hundred love letters

The wise man said
that the war between good and evil
is like having two dogs that fight
and the dog that wins
is the dog you feed more
I've been feeding
the wrong dog
for way too long
He has a thirst for no good
a parasitic lust for blood
and petulant murderous reflexes
No wise man can help me now
It's time to pay
for a thousand misdeeds

The night is an empty womb
and I feel welcome there
My eyes are in my head
but my heart conjures
a hundred love letters
mix tapes, hours of IRC
late night snacks
rocket fuel for breakfast
and the girl who loved me
in spite of my unnecessary ways
Maybe she's just curious
of how this mess will end
Her curls, her laugh
have hexed me
a thousand times over
I look forward to
a thousand times more.

we (descendents)

I don't care
what they say
Those numbers don't mean a thing
we've got it made
This world
is just me and you
and we know just what to do
we've got it made
Hey
everything's gonna be okay
(We've got it made together)
Hey
everything's gonna be okay
(We've got it made)
we've already got a life
we've got it made

When I look in your eyes
I know what I want in life
nothing more, nothing less
nothing more, nothing less
(Everything's gonna be okay)
nothing more, nothing less
(Everything's gonna be okay)
be the key to my success
nothing more, nothing less.

burning through the wires

I see them--
tiny drops of water
coloring the parched ground
I feel it--
the wind blowing
the unknown around
I prayed for change
and here it is
reaching through me
with fingers of spite
I didn't ask for this
juvenile game
Sometimes we don't know
what we're made of
we rely on others
to tell us the truth
What you're saying to me
is burning through the wires
overloading circuits
I like to keep things tidy
everything in its box
but you seem to have
your fingers in everything
There was a time
I believed anything is possible
now
I refuse to lie to myself
You
are a deadly mix of sins
a reverberation
of what could have been
a reminder
of my downfall
and a curiosity
that knows no bounds
Why have you burrowed so far
into my rotting soul?
and why am I not more alarmed?
It is lonely here
the sun is merciless
and there's nothing to do
but wait for you
and scratch my scabs
The heavens will have to choose
let the rain decide
I don't want to see you
slip away into the night
I know who I am
and what I've done
I deserve recompense
Lonely calleth unto lonely
my shadow calls out for yours
In the darkness
you feel like a dream
in my mind
I know you feel what I feel
It has taken me so long
to draw you this close
so long
and you still feel like a ghost
All I can do is close my eyes
and reach for you
close my eyes
and believe that this is the truth.

when your feet hit the ground

You're lookin' in on all of this
you're lookin' in
and you think
you can have it
I stole your lyrics
so you steal mine
Go ahead
there's nothing here
worth a dime
I'm holding out
for a million dollar check
holding out
for a good ol' time
The man in the mirror
is ugly and unshaven
he keeps wanting
to cut himself open
Drink from him
drink from his bleeding eyes
it's what he wants
what you need
what we all need
is a little release
The man with
the stop sign in his yard
only wants everything
everything but proof
He keeps telling stories
that end with a pause in the middle
they just trail off

The cold and clammy truth
has its hands all over me
it's not right or proper
to go down this way
Is it shame staring me down,
painting me so white?
Legends are made of
whatever I am not
I keep thinking
that man who lives in my house
is going to find out about me
He's going to want to
gut me like a rabbit
He's so intent, so hellbent
on snuffing all of us out
I'm the last of a breed
tenacious, with metallic skin
I've seen the others go
the way of the dodo
so I hide and sneak around
Do you know I'm here
when I don't make a sound?
sometimes hope is silent
but you can feel me
when your feet hit the ground.

tongue-lashing

"The tongue is a fire,
a world of iniquity"
and I want to taste
every bit of you
I'm so tired of denial
I want to defile you
What your eyes say
is "please, please"
but your mouth says another thing
Why can't you follow my lead?
follow the need
to your knees
We want so much trouble
and there's so little time
It leaves us begging for answers
begging for a sign
but I'm telling you
I have the answer
so please fall in line
Your neck is a barometer
your breath is the truth
let me go down
and show you the proof
Your contorted mouth
and your bedroom eyes
pull me in even deeper
Feel my cadence
feel my storm
raging all around you
I am the wind
I am the sea
you will feel every inch of me.

thank you (descendents)

I listen to you for hours, I'll listen all day

Just keep hitting me the right way
Sing your song in the shower
Cause you got a way
To say what I can never say right - right on
When I feel weak you make me feel strong
Make me feel strong

I won't say your name
But you know who you are
I'll never be the same again now - no way
I just want to say
Thank you for playing the way you play

You don't get played on the radio
That's not the game you play
Well I don't care anyway
I glued your tape in the stereo
So I know every word, every note
And every chord is right - right on
When I feel weak you make me feel strong
Make me feel strong feel like nothing's wrong

I won't say your name
You know who you are
I'll never be the same again now - no way
I just want to say thank you for playing the
Way you play

Did you know you're why I go
And waste my time
At a rock and roll show
You let me know I'm not alone
You make me feel strong, make me feel strong,
Feel like nothing's wrong

I won't say your name, you know who you are
I'll never be the same again now - no way
I just want to say
Thank you for playing the way you play
Thank you for playing the way you play
Thank you for playing the way you play

separation anxiety

I'm drawing the end in
with each painful breath
and exhaling
the last of my hope
The tiredness I feel
is unnatural and inhuman
It is the tiredness
of a worn out machine
Surrounded by dead end freaks
and burnouts
and pretty girls with dirty mouths
I wonder
how I can keep coming back
My mantra is simple and resilient
because it has to be
My mantra is your name
and your face
and your flesh on mine

From the time
you took a chance
on a kid from the middle of nowhere
You've been combusting inside me
energizing and propelling me
If there was no more you
then there may as well be
nothing else
Paint the world black
turn out the lights
and in familiar darkness
I will imagine your light
your smile, your laugh

It's been me and these rancid notebooks
for so many years
I've spilled myself here
so I'll never forget
cut myself down
so I'll never stop listening
What I've given to these pages
they will never give back
I've given these words away
and watched them mutate
This is my life
this is my blood
and you're all standing in it
shaking your heads and pointing fingers
Those who criticize
never seem to do anything at all
and self-appointed authorities
are the most unwelcome of all
Sometimes all you need
is one person who understands
This is my need
this is my mantra.

your effect

There is no fire in the sky
when you walk by
no unholy chatter behind my eyes
It's just you--
the same old you
What is it that's changed?
Have you outgrown the mold?
Have I killed the mechanism
that kept you alive for so long?
It's tough
when you miss your maladies
It's hard
when you crave your diseases
You're just a skinny, underdeveloped,
overexposed and unrepentant girl
made of the same stuff
as the rest of us
You became a crutch
and then became a master
Looking over these words
I see your effect
looking in on this mess
I see my epic mistake
A colder wind is blowing now
and as always
time is immune to our struggles
What I needed from you
was never there
What I always got
was an itch and a burn
that still lingers
Is there a switch
to turn you off?
No, you're not going away
If you don't have freckles
I will add them
If your eyes aren't large enough
I will enlarge them
If your voice falters
I will falter too
If you leave
I will remember you.

come home

Sunday night
and I'm so alone
I know what's comin' over
the telephone
You and me
we have an original thing
but I can feel
a reckoning
It's you
holding on to someone else
It's me
who can't let go of yesterday

Sunday night
and it feels so wrong
I don't know what's coming next
but you'd better
find yourself a ride home
You and me
hold on so tight
that we can no longer feel
the pounding in our veins
can no longer see
the storm for the rain
Shadow me
shackle me
tear me asunder
wear me down
wear me thin
and fashionably

Sunday night
and you're nowhere in sight
what is it playing
on your television?
I'd like to know
so many things
but I'm out here dying
and lying to myself
saying things like
"tomorrow is another day"
and "when you take the hit, you lose the fear"
Sometimes I think
someone is writing my script
but they cast the wrong man

In case you forgot
it's Sunday night
and the telephone is silent
that's okay
Monday will be here soon
we all forget the night
with the first brutal
rays of sunlight
Tomorrow is another day
but I'm still waiting
for your homesick voice
to tell me what I want to hear.