our blue sky (handsome family)

Why do you dream
of pearly white gates
high in the air
where no bird flies
no tree grows
beyond the sky
our blue sky

why do you dream
that worms and dogs
hills and clouds
are not like you
burning light
that never dies
our blue spinning sky

why do you leave
a trail of death
air turns brown
trees fall down
burn green fields
and drive on by
our blue sky

could you love God
if He didn’t love you
more than rivers
snakes or wind
could you share heaven
with black buzzing flies
our blue spinning sky

what if this dream
you dream with pigs
you dream with dirt
and this is home   
is it so wrong
to love this light
our blue sky.

gasoline dreams

I created you
hand-built you
part by part
tightened your bolts
cleaned your carburetor
adjusted your throttle
you were laid bare
strewn apart and crying
I caressed you
fucked you
stepped in your blood
until you cranked to life
until your reverberations
under my watchful hands
turned to a purr
you are a blessing
you are a curse
you are a mechanized
dimly-realized
poorly-conceived
fantasy
and boy can you run
girls are girls
and boys are boys
you are a custom-built
high-output
combusting
one-of-a-kind
mind-fuck machine
your engine is robust
your chassis is tight
I can hear your roar
in the middle of the night
hide me in your dim interior
rip us from this town

you are bleeding
from a foundry flaw
I see it now
but I was always
so believing
so blind
you were the girl
among so many
I unfairly captured
and then methodically bolted on
all of my expectations
little girl
I did you so much wrong
young one
I apologize and now
burn my incense of regret
your virgin parts
were swapped and sold
to the four corners
just so I could
have a little fun
just so I could
step on your throat
and hear you scream
just so I could
sit in your suede seats
and dream your gasoline dreams.

I was wrong (social distortion)

Well, when I was young
I was so full of fear
I hid behind anger, held back the tears
it was me against the world
I was sure that I'd win
but the world fought back, punished me for my sins
well I felt so alone, so insecure
I blamed you instead
made sure I was heard
and they tried to warn me of my evil ways
but I couldn't hear what they had to say

I was wrong
self destruction's got me again
I was wrong
I realize now that I was wrong

and I think about my loves
well I've had a few
well I'm sorry that I hurt them
did I hurt you too?
I took what I wanted
put my heart on the shelf
but how can you love when you don't love yourself?
it was me against the world
I was sure that I'd win
the world fought back, punished me for my sins
and they tried to warn me
of my evil ways
but I couldn't hear what they had to say

I was wrong
self destruction's got me again
I was wrong
I realize now that I was wrong
I was wrong, yeah
I was wrong

I grew up fast
and I grew up hard
something was wrong from the very start
I was fighting everybody
I was fighting everything
but the only one that I hurt was me
I got society's blood running down my face
somebody help me get outta this place
how could someone's bad luck last so long?
until I realized that I was wrong

I was wrong
self destruction's got me again
I was wrong
I realize now that I was wrong
I was wrong
self destruction's got me again
I was wrong
the only one that I hurt was me
I was wrong.

mother dear (heavy metal)

Who gave you these smiles
who gave you this hope
who sheltered you
with her strength
who was she
and where is she now
more importantly
who are the ones
who took it all away
they are mean
they are base
they are fiends
as I break bread and eat
they devour a man's soul
Abaddon, Apollyon
they feast on flesh
it is dark
it is raining
evil is penetrating
it is time
little one
for the witching hour
it is time
lost one
to whimper, to cower
mother dear
your son is here
answer now
do you feel fear
mother dear
your prodigal son
has become
one of us.

stand tall

Your blatant lies
and your painted skies
only remind me
that I'm on my way home
your hollow touch
and your burning eyes
were the wrong thing
to feed my hungry soul
what a place to end up
there's shame in the shadows
even the windows cry
when the wind howls
even the walls know
that you won't stay here for long
what a way to end up
more a miracle than a man
more a blessing than a plan
there are words
that now escape me
but that's nothing new
there are faces
that now harass me
but to tell the truth
I can't remember their names

tomorrow when the sun comes up
I'll be ready and warned
I'll be fine and capable
I'll be pure and burning
before the belligerence begins
before disappointment sets in
before tongues wag
before I give in
before I fall
I will stand tall.

so long (face to face)

Does your conscience still say anything to you?
you have fallen down so far from what you knew
It's been so long that I can't believe I still remember
exactly how I used to be
It's not enough
of what you want
I've given up
It's come and gone
It's not enough
It's not enough
It's not enough
You've been running from your shadow in the hall
you've been hanging up your failure on the wall
Its been so long that I can't believe I still remember
exactly how you used to be
It's not enough
of what you want
you've given up
It's come and gone
not enough
It's not enough
It's not enough
It's not enough.

famous last words

There's a devil on my shoulder
he's smiling
and he's not so small
he tells me things I should know
like
you know that girl
she fucks like an animal
and when she gets off
sometimes she thinks of you
sometimes she can almost taste you
can almost feel you between her lips
can almost feel your ravenous hands
can almost feel you inside her
yeah, almost

I feel like I need a shower
every time I look at her
dirty girl you're so busy
going the wrong way
you never saw me
tearing after you
what a waste of time
what a waste of breath
you're just a waste
but I don't seem to mind
there's a lesson here
and I refuse to learn it
there's a summary
and I don't think I found it

dirty girl
keep your hands to yourself
I am a man increasingly
made of something else
I don't want you
I don't need you
I've bled and cried and bled some more
I've bled out every human trait
now I'm nothing
but a shell in a mirror
living the life of a machine
living and dying and trying
like you've never seen.

promise land

I've run up to my borders
and have seen the promise land
it's not this living hell
this place where
the streets are paved with denial
the waters run cool with broken dreams
and in the night
everyone dreams among the shrieks and shudders
of permanent anxiety
I've cut out the middle man
between my vices and I
I've rent the sky in two
and have seen eternity
let me tell ya brother
I'm one misstep away
from joining those eternal ranks
and I don't mind
I've been gazing beyond this place
for so long
every day is a goodbye
my bags were packed
before you even knew my name
there's a shuttle running every minute
I'm ready to go
but you're not letting go of me
you keep telling me
no
today is not a day for goodbye
I keep straying and I keep saying
will you look at that sky
have you ever seen a better sky
to disappear into?

bigger and stronger

Baby girl with a heart full of hate
baby girl you're just getting started
do you like what you see in the mirror
do you believe that things are gonna get better
your eyes reflect the darkness
that you see in me
I'm not going to bend my words anymore
I'm not going away
I don't care how the story ends
but I'm pretty sure I'm going out strange

you have a chance
you have the power
it's in your hand
don't squander it
don't run away
I can tell you where that leads
please keep your chin up
even when you're breaking down
they can sense your weakness
they can smell your fear
you're bigger and stronger now
than they'll ever be
so stay strong
cut down the fools
laugh at the lies
break their bones
look them in the eyes
scatter the shadows
remind them while you're young
that you will never
be pushed around.

no outlet

This town feels lonelier every day
this town feels colder every day
this town has served its purpose
a fine place to disappear
I keep telling myself
it's all just temporary
that's a fact I know too well
I grew up lean
at the top of the hill
everything else was a trip downhill
here I am in this empty place
where every face looks the same
where there's really nothing for me to gain
ghosts and daydreams
still walk my vacant street
they had names
but I was never good with names
my time here
is an accumulation of
frustration
impotence
fear
and a sort of perpetual drowning
tomorrow holds promise
but tomorrow has an unrelenting grip
tomorrow is
blunt force trauma
bloodshot eyes
aching joints
protesting sinews
fear in the mirror
whispered prayers
and
tomorrow is itching to meet me.

play along

I hope you get better
I hope you're alright
sometimes I know you pray
just to make it through the night
I hope you find rest
I hope you have peace
I know you're still searching
for so many things
everyone is wondering
what happened to you
where have you been
if what they're hearing is true
keep on moving
keep on praying
keep on playing along

you are the one who pulled me out
of so many dark pits
I've found myself so fragile
and so unable to reach out to you
I am a man
strong in so many ways
but your words are frightening and grave
I'm bad at this game
but I'm willing to try
just as long as you play along
just as long as you play along.

wasting my time

Take my lies
take my lies
this is what I need from you
I need to abuse
all of your fantasies
I need to disabuse you
of all of your fallacies
I am lightning
piercing your clouds
I am angry rain
flooding the ground
I am a speck of human grime
wasting my allotted time
waiting for something interesting
to come along

If the watchers do their jobs
then let them be agast
if the singers sing their songs
then let them be deafening
If the players play along
then let them riot
let them roar
every time you get close
I inject you
with my pretty little lies
every time I taste your mouth
you taste my caustic hate
pretty girl
I own you
come to me
feed from my filthy hands
sip from my lying lips
we will dance
and we will die
in each other's arms
but do you really know me?
I feel your trusting heart
racing with mine
your doubt and defenses
lay with your discarded clothes
I am in you
and I am snared
the more we struggle
the more we are enmeshed
and the more your faith
in this burned out man
starts to make sense.

expect friction

I've always told myself
I can have whatever I want
the problem is--
what I want is a bounty of filth and disease
what I want is
a thousand strange girls all for myself
endless debauched nights
of cigarettes and alcohol
these things can be mine
but
I've got to expect friction
princes and principalities
will have to realign
the angel on my shoulder
will have to resign
day will turn into night
this beast will become a monster
and I will have to say goodbye
to the one who restrains me
the one who contains me
maims me with one look
from those innocent eyes
she is the one who remains
my conscience
my virtue and my guide
without her
there is laughter but it is cruel
there is hope but it is false
there are dreams but I call them nightmares
without her
it's easy to see the simple truth:
that I have all but disappeared.

last thing on your mind (lights)

Don't think too hard
If you think it hurts that bad
don't talk about it
don't let it get you down
It's only one part
of the story
just let it go
don't let it bring you down now

Sing the last thing on your mind
the last word on your breath
I'll be the one to keep you
I'll keep you at your best
the last thing on your mind
cause I don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you
one disaster less

Straighten up your tie
take the microphone
forget about it
don't let it get you down
now is not the time
and you're not alone
shut up about it
no one can bring you down now

Sing the last thing on your mind
the last word on your breath
I'll be the one to keep you
I'll keep you at your best
the last thing on your mind
cause I don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you
one disaster less

I'll be okay.
I'll be okay if you'll sing

Sing the last thing on your mind
the last word on your breath
I'll be the one to keep you
I'll keep you at your best
the last thing on your mind
cause I don't need your mess
I'll be the one to keep you
one disaster less.

your problem

I think you have a problem
I think it's me
you're coming clean
and I'm getting dirty
I think you have the right to be angry
I see it now
your painted skies
so what are you going to do
with your little problem
how are you going to turn things around
what is the point
if this is all you get
I know I'm hard to handle
slippery and increasingly out of reach
the truth doesn't bend
for you or for me
if you want proof
it's not hard to find
I'm not hiding anymore
there is a purpose
in all of this
but nobody is going to believe me

This anger was drilled into me
with malicious intent
my eyes are burning
my throat is closing
but you just want to hold my hand
so humor me
tell me I'll be alright
tell me I'm gonna
make it through the night
this world needs believers
this world needs hope
this world doesn't need another
self-obsessed suicidal malcontent
I've played my games
I did my time
I did a pretty good imitation of a human being
I did what I wanted
did a lot I'd rather not repeat
so let me take this time to say
goodbye.

three two one

3:21
and you're waiting
on the other side
of a fucked up dream
3:21
and you're there again
you're like a prism
and I'm just gathering
your scattered light
3:21
I'm awake
the moon is bright
and you're casting stones
on my placid surface

It's too early for games
strange girl go away
you should be content
with your strange girl games
leave me here
to wish and wonder
3:21
you're blowing bubbles
you're singing songs
you're saying shit
I can't even hear
why are you lingering
why are you here

You caught me waiting
on this side
of some fucked up dream
you caught me when I was slipping
It's 3:21
I've got the moonlight
I've got the cold sweats
and a taste in my mouth
I cannot account for
your body is limp in my arms
I want to keep touching you
but you are one thing
I can't allow myself to have
let me lay you in the earth
tuck you in
close your eyes
and leave you
it's 3:21
the night is a river I must slip into
this is the only place we can meet
you've got to stop coming here
the moon is a witness
the stars watch in silence
the sun is waiting
to tear us apart.

when the stars fell

You didn't walk in my shoes
did you motherfucker
you weren't there
when the stars were falling
from those Sherman Oaks skies
you didn't see that girl
with the puppy dog eyes
and how I slashed her throat
on a quiet street
the pavement radiating heat
a red river searching for the gutter
I was so young
and so mean
it took me years
to figure out why

only the streetlights
saw us for what we were
I was a butcher
a sadistic and unrepentant outsider
finally exacting revenge
on a beautiful girl
you were a doll in my hands
naked and captured

when the stars fell
you wanted me to kiss you
I can still see your face
turned up to mine
but I didn't kiss you
instead, I became
a legend, a myth, a ghost
anything and everything
but what you wanted me to be

so I guess it's time
for the apology
but it's hard to repent
when my whole world is burning
it's hard to repent
when you're safe and sound
wherever you are
it's just me here
perusing past sins
refusing to move on
fingering the years
like some sort of god
so go on living and thriving
wherever you are
I see things now
I never could then
you were the sun
and I was drawing the blinds
you were making believe
and I was making my getaway
whatever dreams you had
I hope they're yours now
I like to think of you out there
as I face this window
and ponder my dying world.

quiet (lights)

I'm not yours, and you're not mine
but we can sit and pass the time
no fighting wars, no ringing chimes
we're just feeling fine
this is where we're supposed to be
sitting by a broken tree
no tragedy, no poetry
just staring at the sky

I could wait a thousand hours
stay the same in sun and showers
pick apart a hundred flowers
just to be quiet
tell me when you'll feel ready
I'm the one,
there's not too many
hold my hand to keep me steady
just to be quiet
with you, with you

I like it here, beside you dear
you're even more than you appear
and in the clouds my head is clear
every time you say hello

Here's my heart and here's my mouth
and I can't help if things come out
'cause there are words I want to shout
but maybe I'll stay low

I could wait a thousand hours
stay the same in sun and showers
pick apart a hundred flowers
just to be quiet
tell me when you'll feel ready
I'm the one, there's not too many
hold my hand to keep me steady
just to be quiet

I could wait a thousand hours
stay the same in sun and showers
pick apart a hundred flowers
just to be quiet
tell me when you'll feel ready
I'm the one, there's not too many
hold my hand to keep me steady
just to be quiet

with you, with you, with you, with you

I'm not yours, and you're not mine
but we can sit and pass the time.

ephedrine

Looking at myself in the mirror
I'm a reprobate
disgusting, cold, mutilated
Sure, I've made some bad mistakes
but do I deserve this?
It's midnight
I've wasted another day
You can call me what you want
I stand on my own two feet
a free radical motherfucker
for the whole world to see
Do you see me
cackling through red lights
stabbing at my veins
sinning and swearing
through your streets tonight?
Holding out my hands for
more, more, more?
Do you know the score?
I don't care
I've never won anything in my life
I am a religion of self
I'm in a constant state of worship
I'm free
as long as I exist
as long as this
medicine is roaring
through my veins

All of my gods are dying
all of my teeth are showing
I keep thinking
this is the end
but tomorrow it begins again
Let me dance my strange dance
let me breathe this disappearing air
There was a time
when you let me do as I pleased
but now I know too much
now I'm tied down
now I'm fused with rust
to this broken machine
That which once made me burn
now sends shivers through my core
So I've gained a brand new lust
Stand back
and watch it consume me
Stand clear
while this house comes down.

fallen angel

I am a madman poet machine
don't tell me no
because I created this scene
Little girls
look away
you can't stomach the violence
of what I'm about to say
There is a line
so fine
I can't even see it
You laugh
you cry
you think I'm sedate
but I'm going to show you
I'm hard to ignore
when I'm in the back of your throat
so hard to ignore
when I'm boring a hole inside of you
Close your eyes
baby girl
Jesus loves you just the same
You can get me out of your clothes
but can you get me
off your mind?

There is a weakness in you
only I can see
silly girl
say your prayers
ask for guidance and protection
I am your priest
kneel before me
I can purify
I can clease
but I'd rather teach you to love
something so wrong
Open wide
commune with me
everyone is watching you
down on your knees
This is love
this is lust
this is boys and girls and God above
Take me in
and know
that I will always be a part of you. 

this town is a deathtrap, baby

Under the right circumstances
everyone is a sinner
under the right moon
you might do anything
That's why I'm taking
this moment to tell you
I don't really mean
what I'm going to do
If I could
I would make you
but you just won't let me go
It's for your own good
apparently
you'd rather go down
with this sinking ship
Another SOS won't make this
any more real
another SOS can't save us now

Wake me up
when I'm dead
that's got to be the cure
for this life that I've led
No more bleeding
no more strife
just one never-ending night
Do what you want
while you're alive
I can't help but crave
what's on the other side

Our nights are ruins
our mornings are laughter
my light is dimming
and I can't find yours
So tell me you're out there
tell me you're close
I have nothing left
to be proud of
nothing left to lose
You are the last bit of hope
on this burning, sinking ship
and I won't let you send
another SOS.

girl problems

Let's rehash this
you never know
when it'll be the last time
That girl is a monument
built with ancient hopes
That girl is the stratosphere
so far from here
she's on another planet
she's in the summer rain
she's sending you postcards
with no return address
That girl is accelerating
transforming and dying
faster than you can comprehend
If you have something to say
you'd better lay it down
because tomorrow
is a thousand years away

You sold your hope
to the burning masses
kept your words close
because you knew the truth
walked so many miles of pain
saw so many die
during each refrain
Your sin is written
with a pen of iron
and graven on your heart
with the point of a diamond
but no one is judging you
These are your hands
covered in blood
lick them clean
because tomorrow is another crime
waiting for a perpetrator

That girl is a promise rejected
the memory of something
left behind
but you're not paying any attention
You got what you wanted
the rest lay useless
in your shaking hands
So tell me
this time
it's going to be different.

when I fail (Greg Graffin)

One day
my life will be a chocolate shake and
late night TV
But right now
I'm afraid of everything
that is goin' down

Too many decisions
Too much responsibility
And no one is there
to hold me
when I fail

Like the deer
who knows he won't survive the winter
so he runs in fear
The drifts too deep
the browse too scarce
the able too strong to compete

And I wonder if
I was stronger when
I didn't care
if no one was there
to hold me
when I fail

One day
my life will be a chocolate shake
and late night TV.

graduation

I want music to sound
the way I feel inside
I want reverberation
I want noise
Let me show you what I mean
You can chase
the shadows that still wander
those Nebraska dirt roads
Blaupunkt, Metallica's black album
Guttermouth, AFI
So close to free
packed like dynamite
ready for anything
destined for nothing
If I knew all of this
would I still
make the same mistakes
would I still
handle the same snakes
If people make pictures interesting
then where am I in this one
Bad Religion was the soundtrack of high school
and Very Proud of Ya saved my life
one awful summer

You were there
before the storm came
you spoke peace
into my burning ears
Caffeine, 1-800-OHIO
You and I were instantly inseparable
it's hard to understand
the sugar, the adrenaline
the hope I poured into you
Late nights, cops at the window
deserted streets
kids behaving like kids
what a backdrop
but you and I were so sure
Relentlessly I fought for you
wickedly you drew me in
You saw the places
you tasted the air
tell me you can feel it
the lingering despair
There are no rules
there never were
just you and me
feeling for each other
beyond our collapsing dreams.

remember me

It's springtime
but it doesn't feel like it
It's always hard
to see people go
so says the eternal loner
the man without a cellphone
Even stranger
to see the old faces
peering in on the remnants of me
Here I am
slowly dissolving
how's it been
you look good
I can't wait to get home
get drunk
piss out the anxiety
ammonia and misery
Let me erase
let me forget
No, you won't let me
you won't walk away
until you make sure I remember
(like I could ever forget)
Just let me slip into the water
I am an ancient creature
the same as I've always been
My father always said
I've never changed
That may be
but now I'm staring at an empty street
I feel fine
and that's alarming
Why don't I feel torn up, tormented
God knows
I've put in my time
why do you get to walk away
while I vibrate and chafe
This unnerving apathy
is what's bothering me
Nothing seems to matter
just surviving and carrying on
I am a soldier intent on getting home
but home is a device found in fairy tales
So as you're leaving this town
take a look back
remember me as I am
because the next few years
will not be kind to me
If you feel anything for me
now is the time to say it
because someone is freezing my assets
shutting off the lights
and is calling my name
at the end of a dark corridor
I know the drill
but I'm the last one to leave
Let me have these silent moments

Without the noise
I can actually feel myself
giving up.

what about tomorrow

Am I going through withdrawal
is there something I'm missing
The lights are on
but I'm clawing through darkness
If Samiam is a healthy thing
then there's not enough of it
In this moment
nothing can hold me together
nothing can make me well
The sun has left us
shadows have shifted
plans were laid
desire has drifted
Here we stand
enemies and lovers
I lean on you
but you're cutting me down

Fugazi was my first show
Do you remember the way we were
all the kids
skunk and cigarettes
rising from the crowd
Ian's tirades
Guy's sinews
and an opening band we'll never forget
Ticket stubs and memories
cannot help us now
You've got a monkey on your back
I have twelve

Do you remember the summer heat
No Substance tour
Bad Religion at the Blind Pig
fan boys
Don and Ava
you and I in the first row
fighting for Bobby's drumsticks
another opener, Squatweiler
and all the "songs about kicking ass"
You were with me in the cafe
when I felt so odd
You were with me in the parking garage
when the sun was going down
Sometimes I think
you've always been there
How can you know me so well

Do you remember
of course you do
Pat Benatar in the park
John Rae in full effect
Rollins Band in Toledo
fucking Squatweiler opening again
What a murderous show
sweat falling like rain from a black ceiling
I just want to
do it all again
Don't fight me
don't get in my way

This is the way we'll always be
two souls blinking in the night
deprived of sleep
pounding with rhythm
Will you be with me
when the next band plays
when the night wears on
when it's time
to shed your sweaty skin
and make haste to your place
of peace and slumber
I hope you remember us
as imperfectly as I do
all the miles
all the nights
forget all the fights
We are the answer to the question
what about tomorrow?

versus

I ran my whole life
but you caught up to me
looked you in the eye
but you saw right through me
Madness
my old friend
where have you been
you've finally got me cornered
in this safe place
this shaded room
so immune from the world
You took a back road
a shortcut to the back of my skull
Here you are
and here I am
weak but aware of you
rising in my spine
All of my vices are comical
in this moment
What you've done
is breach every defense
Now that I can feel your
stink on me
can you feel me
wrapping my hate around you?
Bitter bile and ceaseless watchfulness
are my only weapons
If you rage through my veins
I will inject them with bleach
I will cauterize
and eat pain every day
until you are immobilized, retreating
dead and defeated.

dear kate

Dear Kate
my new life here
isn't as much fun
as I thought it would be
I drink too much
and talk too little
I keep thinking
I'm going to wake up
and you'll be coming back
I keep thinking
you can set me straight
The sunlight hurts my eyes
and bars aren't my scene
You know me
I'm on a short leash
and the bootleg is always
within arm's reach
Too many young girls
are talking too much shit
and I can't decipher it all
I missed a few classes
of drunk girls 101
not that girls ever made much sense
I'm too old
and too immune to all of that
I'd rather soak myself
in gasoline
until I'm squeaky clean
until I'm ready
until I'm able
to face the world
without you.

fucking on film

You're the girl
with the chemical eyes
I'm the guy
with the pitiful disguise
You're the girl I've seen
talking shit to your friends
by the cigarette machine
I'm the guy
who's just trying to stay
out of your way
Minding my own business
has become a mantra
but no one is making it easy for me
Girls like you
shred my defenses
girls like you
wander so far from home
Fifteen and pierced
sixteen with tats
seventeen and high
eighteen going on thirty five
Every day is an explosion
with every breath you reload
the only thing left
is fucking on film

My confession:
I've had a girl like you
I can still taste
her cigarette lips
When she wanted to destroy us
when she was so confused
and so over me
I held on
when she kept me at arm's length
I refused to quit
when she was quitting me

The moon laughed
as I tried to walk off the pain
Into the night I drilled
and into a new world
I was born:
aching, wandering, tenacious
So I have to know
is it fear I feel
when I'm around you?
is it fear for myself or fear for you?
Not every Little Girl Lost
gets found.

the next time

The sun is breaking us down
into primary colors
The winds are throwing us
into one another
It's the end of the world
so why are you whispering?
You gave me rhythm
you gave me hope
I got too close
you took them away
What I wanted from you
was a simple blessing
and calm reassurance
What you needed from me
took too much time to figure out
The next time
you break me in half
I'll try to remember
we're just friends playing a game
The next time
you smile at me
I'll think about
letting you win

The sun is showing me the truth
I am a pagan under its spell
The winds are throwing
the answers around
Take me with you when you go
gag me, bind me
stuff me deep in your dirty pocket
In the darkness
your voice is reassuring
The days are getting longer
It makes me wonder
what I'll do without you
You can visit me
stroke the turmoil under my skin
laugh with me
remind me with your naked eyes
why I've been such a fool.

this new world

Everyone is a little bit fragile
everyone is feeling
blank today
I'm not sure
what you want from me
but I know it's just a matter of time
before you take it away
I see you standing there
capable, strong
and so unwilling to give
Do you see me here
struggling under
this mountain of hate?
What good I have
is so small
but you're fixed on it
you want to take it away
The snow is melting now
Poking up
through the disaster of winter
is new growth, fresh promise
But you, brother,
are busy filling your tanks
with agent orange
Do you wish for everyone to bleed
as you walk above the fray?

Everyone is a little bit fragile
everyone is feeling
broken and stunned
I pray for healing
I ask for hope
but you offer condescension
and the party line
Nothing is keeping me here
but this mountain of hate
No one is calling me out
because they know I can't play
In this new world
brothers are adversaries
good friends are foes
and we've all become oblivious
to the hate machines
bearing down on us
I pray we have time
I hope for peace
but the faces in the hate machines
look so fucking smug.

normal

My imagination returns me to the top of the mountain. I've been climbing, struggling, sweating a cold sweat. I've reached the top. Out of breath, I circle wildly. My heart pounds, my head explodes with endorphins. The world is displayed under and around me. As my face contorts with pleasure, I dimly realize I am completely alone.

All I ever wanted
was to take you with me
to share the same view
to breathe the same air
to be struck
by the sun and the rain together
You and I are a whole
Without you
I am hollow, incomplete
My love letters to you
reek of distance and pain
What I want is so simple
Have you ever wanted something
so fucking bad
it seems so close, so possible
but you never quite get it?
That's you and me
These pages have become a repository
for suicide notes
for prayers
to a faraway God
for anyone who will listen
for someone to staunch the bleeding

What I want is to be normal
sane and oblivious
but sanity looks like madness these days
So I'll spend my time
with the filthy, the reprobate
because they already know
we're all just headed
for the big disappointment.

suicide notes

Bloodshot eyes in the mirror
deep dark circles underneath
Groggy and strangling
under a backlog of sleep deprivation
my eyes have gained
a piercing quality
that I call resentment
Trying to avoid cliches
is none of my concern
Surviving another brutal, pointless day
is the only thing on my mind
Even things that normally consume me
have sloughed off
and now decay around me
I keep thinking
"if they could only see me now"
I wince
and then begins the rebuttal
You don't know how many times
I've seen myself:
black revolver in my mouth,
nighttime
on the corner of Klotz and Vale
(or somewhere close where she wouldn't have to find me)
praying for a pardon

I have dragged too many
into this morass of a life
What I wish for is a permanence
of darkness, of silence
I can hear your argument
before it leaves your mouth
You've got your Bad Times
You've got your Despair Faction
I have my suicide notes

I can't keep my hands clean
I can't keep my heart pure
but I persist
If your body is a temple
then I will defile it
If your body is the answer
then I will devour it
This is our home
we do what we want
so let's set it on fire
chase the night away
burn to the ground all our mistakes
look hard in the mirror
meet those bloodshot eyes
and imagine another way out.

sugar and adrenaline

You look at me
like you know you're dying
you look at me
like you know you're done
your time is limited
your breath shallower every day
What is it?
What do you intend to gain
with your foolish games?
Your lines are painfully written
meant for another man
Your eyes are red and haunted
like you dream of sleep
There is no future
in your land of lust
in your melancholic folly
My eyes find you older and grayer every day
my thoughts rest on you less and less
(and not at all)
I'm so close
you probably imagine my flesh
naked and preserved for you
What are the odds
you'll make it out of this
burning house alive?
Lust is on my breath
but you'll never taste it
The fire in my eyes
you can never return
Your pain is ever-present
and what I offer is a mixture
you cannot stomach
What you need
is a new fucking life
Don't blame me
for your feelings:
lost, broken, insipid
I live my life like I'm driving
a stolen car
like I was raised on
sugar and adrenaline
What can you possibly do or say
that will impress me
Try not being an asshole
try not sulking
try to smile once in a while
What is the point
in letting the devil win?
What is life
if you live it one preconception
at a time?
I am a gamble
and you are listless, bored
I pierce the sky
while you wallow in a shaded bedroom
If you show me yours
I'll show you mine
Who taught you how
to play this game?
I'm the anger
I'm the sin
you fear living without.

opinion (greg graffin)

The first thing I remember
was the friction in the room
And that brown spinet piano
that never played in tune
The cruel impatient tyrant
the frustrated malcontent
The need to find the pieces
and the absence of cement
No one ever told me about the right way to love
And no one ever showed me what we're supposed to be made of
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be
And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me
The last thing I remember
was the slamming of the door
And the resonance of my imperfection
broke the silence once more
The selfish angry bastard
who doesn't want to hear
I tried to learn compassion
you turned the other ear
No one ever told me about the right way to love
And no one ever showed me what we're supposed to be made of
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be
And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me
The worn out broken record
who doesn't fit the mold
The righteous independent
the mood so harsh and cold
Momma never told me about the right way to love
And Daddy never showed me what we're supposed to be made of
So don't be too forthright about what you think that I should be
And I'll willingly accept your low opinion of me.

mind games

This is a tired game
Even though I am the only player
and I've made up the rules
I still cannot win
My mind is a rebellious child
forever meddling
forever fighting
always curious
and always looking
for the next cheap thrill
I have created someone
and she is easy
my words are perfect tools
my hands roam wantonly
you can only whimper
If I hurt you
you will cry
if I set you on fire
then we will burn together
Were you the one
who called me out of my control room
clean and bright
and shut the door behind me?
In the night of my soul
I am lost
and you are calling me
down a slippery path
In the control room
clean and bright
someone ugly sits in my stead
playing with things
he doesn't understand
If I imagine scenarios
to end this game
I must admit
none of them are pretty
none of them are fun
In the control room
clean and bright
the game goes on
I'm there on the screen
groping and groaning in the darkness
locked out of a game
I know I cannot win.

your pathetic words

So here's a note
from your muse
You can take it
and shove it up your ass
stupid motherfucker
I'm burning
all of your love letters
burning all of your sophomoric notes
If you have something to say
say it to my face
not to your bathroom stall of a journal
and not in the middle of the night
I don't need
your pathetic words
I hope this is closure for you
because I know you'll never change
How do I know?
I've been watching you
you're pretty fucking boring
try deviating from your routine
once in a while
you might find
something you like
something other than
whatever's strangling you
something other than
what is obviously not working
Maybe someday
you'll come to your senses and realize
that we could have gotten along
we could have been friends
You can't keep
making girls into
what you want them to be
I am what I am
and I am
shutting you down
you creepy fuck.

still in the packaging

Here it comes
another one
these days I drip
with apologies
I leach guilt and shame
my exhaust is a poisonous mix
of lust and violence
Like every neglected machine
I bleed in vital chemicals
I know I've got to get somewhere
but no one is helping me

I've been the devil's advocate
I've sung in the church choir
the pretty girl in the pew
two bodies down
Michelle
she drove me crazy
I didn't know what I wanted
or how to get there
but she was the answer
to that fucked up equation
I don't know what she felt
when I was around
(probably nothing)
but when I saw her
the ground gave way

Too many years were spent
pining for a girl
who never heard me
pining for the girl
who would set the stage
for every obsession to follow
She is the mold
she is the one
who refuses to be recreated
what a smile
and her dark eyes would light up
Regrets, I have them
but more than anything
curiosity
Whatever happened
to such a brilliant girl?
What about Trisha Aspegren
and whatever it was she symbolized
to my fourteen year-old self?
For someone who thought
girls were a waste of time
Kristin Braley still resonates
she was the first girl I liked
I was, what, five years old?
she was a year older
and an object of worship
I was forgettable, forgotten

My apologies are weak
my actions even weaker
but no one is judging me now
I'm obsessed with a girl
half my age
and I fear it's just a fix
just a reflex
from an ancient and rusty set of synapses
still holding on
to such pretty girls
still in the packaging.

how long (samiam)

The corner store is out of
your brand of cigarettes
the rain has stopped
and left the dark gray sidewalks wet
twice burned
you're saying things
that you would like to forget
it's been a while since you
lost your confidence
a nervous smile
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
how long does it take
to know it's not just circumstance
how long should I wait
knowing there won't be another chance
too much
too late
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
there's nothing left to see
see my eyes closed in fear
tell me what I want to hear
how long does it take
to know it's not just circumstance
how long should I wait
knowing there won't be another chance
too much
too late
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
there's nothing left to say
see my eyes shut with fear
can you tell me I'm not really here
how long does it take
to know it's not just circumstance
how long should I wait
knowing there won't be another chance
too much
too late
an empty place
you watch the floor
I hesitate
how long

cheating

Here we go
time to drown myself again
I have too many symptoms
and not enough rhyme
to keep myself alive
and this strange mix of stimuli
is corroding my peace of mind
seems like
I'll never get it right
When I woke up this morning
I knew
I had done all
and seen all
I ever wanted to
What's missing?
these walls don't have the answer
I control the drowning
because I've lost every other battle
It is my choice
to extinguish my voice
with a jar of burning
with a six pack of hate
If I can't silence the voices
if I can't suppress the fantasies
if I can't forget your face
then let me feel
nothing at all
I will be alone and free
let me have my temporary fix
my chemical lobotomy
Let me see your colors running
your mouth moving silently
your eyes big and believing
like they were
before you understood
you could easily crush me
you could easily build me up
and crush me again
There's nothing more pathetic
than a loner
who doesn't want to be alone anymore
nothing sadder
than the disappointment in your eyes
You finally know
how deep my desperation runs
how fortified my hopelessness is
how methodical my suicidal ways are
Do you get it now?
I just wanted to be like you
When I drink the damage
I feel your warmth
your legs parting for me
your eyes resisting nothing
and your mouth on mine
This is me cheating
this is my death dance
this is me erasing
everything you know about me.

the things we shouldn't say

I don't fucking see you
and I don't fucking hear you
and I'm letting go of you
am I getting this right?
let me know
if I leave something out
maybe it's better
having these separate, simple lives
maybe it's better
to not try at all
I don't fucking care anymore
and I'm fucking self-centered
and we can't agree on anything
What is the point
if this is all we get--
this simulated existence
this controlled burn?
The things we shouldn't say
are the things strangling me
like I can't read your eyes
and the wickedness
on your trembling lip
you think this is about
some other girl
maybe you think I'm bored
but the truth isn't nearly as interesting
and I don't care for lies
What I need is what I'm not getting
what I am
is slowly rotting
I have faced the facts
that's the problem
I have walked the line
and found myself
far from home
I don't know how
this strange blood
got in my veins
all I know is that
you don't understand
I keep shutting down
parts of myself
hoping that I'll find the faulty ones
hoping that death
will furnish some sort of victory
It is a war
of my will
against the wildness that defines me
some day I'll win
and someday I'll wonder
was it worth the price?