one exchange

Words lie
the truth is in your eyes
but I'm bored with this game
You can pass on into the night
I will remain here
to fondle your memory
Just add a pretty girl
and a plot is instantly generated
who cares if it is fragile
Fantasies are always precarious
blown about by desire and frustration
The old rule holds true
once there is contact
she loses her hold on you
One exchange
and you search for another
blank slate
the emptier the eyes, the better
I've built armies of them
who was the first?
she was just a prototype
I make them perfectly now
until they speak, that is
Then I break
and release them
The process begins again
my sickness coughs to life
the old inflammation surfaces
borne about by my weakest parts.

a drug I can feel

Your eyes tell me everything
one look and I have no questions
Is it better to simmer
in this pot of certainty
or to burn to the bones
in the white hot flames of lust and confusion?
I need a drug I can feel
not just to get along
I need the party
I need the pill
Let my throat turn raw
let my fingers burn into you
let me wrap my bored synapses
around every inch of you
Go ahead
walk away
I will have you anyway
you won't know it
though you may feel it
when you ask yourself
if you're really alone
when the night feels heavy
when the rain comes down
You know I'm out there
waiting for you
for the injection
the jumpstart
for your chemicals
the inoculation to keep me human another day.

the antidote

You've stuck to my bones
and I don't really know
how I can walk away
You've spoken peace
into my stormiest nights
slipped me the antidote
when I wasn't looking
I'm just a man--
a man with a death wish
but you make me
want to live again
I see in your eyes the torment
I have wrought
My punk rock heroes
are fading fast
my flesh is weaker every day
the books I read speak the truth
and I fear they are sick of me
The rain is treacherous
the night is a feeding frenzy
of fear and loathing
I wake leaner and meaner
Every day I come away
with less and less
Where is the rest in this cycle?
I feel it only
when my hands touch your skin
in your reaction
in your breath
in your whimpering, sweating struggle
I know you must feel me
drifting, wounded
unable to right myself
unable to relay to you
how precarious things have become
If not for you
there would be nothing left of me.

blood and smoke and noise

Here we go again
on this grave robber tour
numberless nights I have ridden
with your howling madness
This train is my life
and it roars with a violence,
threatens to jump the tracks
The night reveals it
all blood and smoke and noise
Desperate are we
who straddle it
we have no other home
Here it is again
that same old song
faster this time
so fast,
you can't keep up
The noise, the violence,
the rhetoric you once shunned
has become a partner
You defend it
because you have to
you have nowhere else to go
Up there in the crowd, all of you
I hope you will always be begging
for an explanation
I hope you never know
what all of these words mean
I'm just another filthy fool of a man
wandering the outskirts of your town.

judging a book

You've got that rock and roll
on your lips
the deep blue sea
in your eyes
a fire like the end of the world
in your loins
You are a riot
deadly in disguise
you are war planes
and satellite chatter
blankets of incendiary bombs
voices in unison screaming--
no one can stop me
Your sex rides on the fattest tires
your engine craves the coldest air
and a brave soul
to mash the accelerator
All noise, all show
girls like you are happiest
when there's a crowd
When no one's looking
you forget who you are
Intoxicated by the sound
by the rage under your taut skin
the simple stare in wonder
they imagine the world in your eyes
they can't begin to ponder
what you're like
between the covers
We will all give you meaning
like a blank bathroom stall
everyone will know you
in their own way
How many men
have sat behind the wheel
gripped the shifter
grinned in awe?
Have they seen your weak,
your vulnerable bits?
Have they seen the breakdowns
the fits, the spasms
the parts that never fit
the parts you threw away?
Every triumph has a price
I wonder how much did you pay
girls like you
aren't built every day.

grins for faces

The cold is back
and it's good to see
that nothing ever changes
If you live a thousand years
you will still fight the same battles
run the same races
love the same woman
break your back in the hot sun
right up til the end
How many times
can you come back for more
how many times
can you bore into life
and find nothing there
It is written
and so it will always be
the same criminals
have the same things to say
as they wait
on their bitter crosses
Were you expecting something new
to sear your retinas today?
were you waiting all this time
for the real party to start?
Looking out these windows
has become a pointless exercise
you know what's coming
your seasons have already changed
Still, you wonder why
some leaves just won't fall
you wonder how they can resist
the inevitable onslaught to come
Maybe they don't believe
in the end of their world
or maybe they just couldn't let go
I like to think of them as fighting
never giving up hope
waiting, like me
with bated breath
for another sunny day
Maybe they froze there
with expletives still on their tongues
grins for faces
fists full of hate.

stand with me

These words I have
are the only thing I control
maybe now you realize
the reason for my tight grasp
maybe now you see
why my anxiety multiplies every night
I need you to hear me
and this is the only way
It is a weak and cowardly act,
this convenient conveyance
Do you think less of me now?
Here, I build myself up
here, I tear myself down
this exercise, this discipline--
it is my only explanation
Maybe now you see the reason
for the vagueness
I name myself as the only guilty party
all others just play on my stage
There is no reason
to involve the innocent and unsuspecting
Where will this end?
it ends with me
As long as I persist
there will be these cryptic scrawlings
laying in my wake
I keep promising myself
no more hard luck stories
no more plagiarized lyrics
no more fucking songs about girls
but I never was good
at keeping promises
They say write what you know
I hope someday
these pages won't drip with misery
and that someday
they'll be seen for what they are--
simple words from a simple man
What lies beneath my skin
what pulses in my veins
what causes the blackouts
the electrical storms in my brain?
This regimen will uncover it
there is a way to know
and I will find it
I own these words
they are mine
In a world of parasitic treachery
this is all I have
Maybe now you understand
the reason for my tight grasp
maybe now you believe
that I'm telling the truth
So many things are stacked against me
will you stand with me?

the most polite of strangers

It is a classic quandary
right or wrong
Those who say that neither exist
are only fooling themselves
I learned young
that the wrong way brought more laughs,
more tears, and still more
temptation
Endless nights I have
contemplated you
endlessly I have sought you,
begged you to reappear
How many people can say
they are electrified
when you are near
How many ways have I devilishly
devised my attack
my plans grow ever bolder
I've crossed off pencil with pen,
and pen with my blood
Where will this disaster end?
I hope to never see that day
your eyes grow bigger,
your lips fuller
your excitement more spasmodic
with each imagining
We are perfect this way,
wrapped in blissful misery
suffocating in our cellophane
acknowledging each other
like the most polite of strangers.

fear no evil

You've told yourself
a pack of lies
at one point
you may have even believed them
Of course
that was a long time ago
there's no self-deception
lurking in any of your numerous
dark corners
There are no rogue operations
no actions misappropriated
all thoughts, all desires
are on the level
Your hands have always been
right where you can see them
there are no torpedoes
in the water
and no sinister change of plans
You are safe in your well-lit
control room
locked in, you fear no evil
never mind the moans, the screams,
the endless barrage of noise
that assails your fortified door
You are out of reach
out of sight
and out of touch
with what roams the hallways
of your forever night.

before you got the call

Drinking your tears
under ominous skies
will always bring you back here
This is where
things make sense
this is where
everything works, every time
The pain will always find you
and bring you back home
Nights move on
days burn by
you are unmoved, unfazed,
unraveled,
waiting for the next miracle
You've taken the phone
off the hook
you've taken your past
and choked it to death
like an unwanted puppy
you will always remember the eyes
and their soundless accusations
the tears
and the quickness with which they came
you will always remember
the last time you went down to the river
the little girl named Amy
the laughing skies under the dam
the shadow you once cast there
and the pointlessness of it all
Before you got the call
before you moved away
before her name
meant anything at all
Those dirt roads were a playground
your stereo was always proud
your eyes were always defiant
and ready
You can't ever go back
those places are still there
but what you're looking for isn't
The sun's still blinding off the water
clarity can be profound
and stirring up these musty memories
won't settle what bothers you.

if Bukowski was a prophet

You're onto something here
it's true
but you know it doesn't matter
you're too old
too out of bounds
you can't change that
Too much time has eroded,
too many hours
have worn you down
Fresh faces have no clue
they see what they want to see
not this dying warrior sage
this prophet thief
this vagabond who thinks
his poison is medicine
I have a few ideas left
God willing
I can play them out
but we all know
don't we
I have played the fool
for a pittance
I have abandoned the right path
for pennies
I have run marathons of sin
If Bukowski was a prophet
then I have sat at his feet
and come up empty
I am out of time and out of gas
on this dirt road to nowhere.

the lack of you

The lack of you
has forced me back into my corner
your warmth is just a memory
your eyes can't find me here
I bask in darkness and the horror
of my own company
I have murdered the television
silenced the stereo
turned the lights down low
There is a buzz in my ears
like the ocean in a seashell
it sounds so empty
There is a blackness outside
and it echoes the inside
I am the embodiment of creepy
and I feel the full weight of my discontent
I have lines to read
but no one to hear them
You can't go back
to living with no care
those who do have nothing to lose
I have one thing
but it means everything
that one thing
I fear one day
will break me
If you go before me
then leave a bullet for me
some chemicals are impossible to quit.

to kill a shadow

I will sit quietly in the darkness
until I see your shape
I will wait for you to drive away
you've got to slip up sometime
I will follow you home
with my speakers shouting the Misfits
Does your neck hair tell you
when I'm looking your way?
Do your eyes lie when you
look away?
Well, my intentions are clear
but there are too many
eyes and ears here
Meet me where the heavens are deaf
and the air smells like your hair
I have so many things to say
but my mouth only stammers
my hands will have to explain
Will you listen to them
or will you resist?
My eyes are ringed with insomnia
my speech is heavy in expletives
my breath comes in painful spurts
Can't you see
you're killing me
Can't you see
I have nowhere to run?
There's no way to kill a shadow
but I feel you trying anyway.

resist tomorrow

There is an excitement
in her motions
she moves so fast
you can barely see
you revel in her wake
you wait for the next
fleeting moment
Bastard moments--
lost in your cold brain
where do they go
at the end of the day?
There is no meaning
try calling it a name
names and logic
mean nothing here
This is where sorrow drowns
this is where faces melt
and all becomes calm
Everything is nothing
right now is everything
You are the pillow under my head
the meat on my table
the air in my lungs
You are the rightness of now
I run a race every day
I run for this--
you and me
blankets and books
Forever fused,
we resist tomorrow.

after you left

You've shut that book and opened
to other burning pages
you thought they just
left you behind
Now you realize
they left you for dead
Why did you come back
why did this
mean so much to you?
Melting in the hot fires of confusion
is surely better than
freezing in this awful rain
Is this what you fought for?
Have you gained the respect
you thought you would?
Where are your friends now
they're all looking in
on what you walked out on
It seems that quitting
has made you the very worst
example of yourself
You are a sagging, miserable
mess of a man
unable to generate thoughts
or to turn thoughts into words
left to your own devices
after you left that sweaty party
Here you are--
alone and better for it
Here you sit
and finger your bravery.

dressed to the nines

She left you in the coldest month
she left you alone and waiting
like a disease
like a storm
like the end of your favorite song
What did her eyes tell you
when they tried so hard
to ignore you
What did her lips say
when she soundlessly read her magazine
what was the lesson in all of this
or is it just life,
messy and cold?
Her name is almost forgotten
but her face is a glyph
forever etched in your simple mind
Do you remember the first time
she crossed your path
and forever betrayed your fragile synapses?
She is gone
but not in your primal brain
those days, those moments
those years have made you
who you are
but those days are gone
reluctantly, you move on
You are a shadow overlaying another
dressed to the nines
ready to kill
ready for a thrill
so tired of feasting on broken dreams.

when the sky turns red

How far can you run, man
how far can you run
even if you get a fine head start
you know you can't run forever
Someday you know it's coming
someday they'll spill your blood
and you'll finally get it--
what this is all about
you'll get it
and you'll be glad
Life is a scary mix of lows and highs
you never know when
it's going to end
you never know what's
itching to meet you
around the next bend
You've seen enough to know
the game's not fair
the rich get richer
and the rest suffer more
But when the sky turns red
and those tiny leaves come down
your eyes light up,
your synapses on fire
and you can't think
of any other place to be
Right now,
you have it in you
the fire
the verve
the string of endless thoughts
connecting time and space
You feel those unabashed breezes
and remain the most grateful microcosm.

line upon line

Once you've gone through the fire
and the pain wears off
will you remember
the massiveness of your achievement
or will it always be
onto the next thing?
Your memory eludes you
so you write it down
Time is the ocean
and your sand castles
don't stand a chance
These rules I've made
will someday break me
these lines I write
just might save me
The onlookers don't know anything
they boo and hiss
out of boredom and frustration
This is my shaky crutch
fashioned from necessity
fashioned with great pains
line upon line
I'm coming clean
line upon line
I'll tell you what I've seen
This is the time to say it loud
this is the time
to make it clear
I'll break these words and lay them down for you
line upon line.

feasting like a dog

I am saturated
dripping in confusion
My pain is a tedious lover
it will not let go
I have desired many things
taken many by force
Always, I am left with a dull pain
and the realization that I am emptier
Feasting like a dog
leads to vomiting like a dog
I am sore and slow now
but not much shakes me
In my canister of pain
it is a safe and predictable existence
what did they tell you life would be like
once you got there?
Is it everything they told you?
Well, I'm still here
basking in the waning sunshine
I know I don't have much time
but time doesn't scare me anymore
You see that my veneer
has turned cruel and cold
but you don't know the havoc
that has been wrought inside
This is my life
these are my times
I write it down
because someday
someone might care.

quitting the chemicals

Is this the fast that I have chosen
this undiluted suffering?
Is there someone sitting on my chest
resisting my every move?
What is the reason for this treatment
when will it be over?
My brain fires questions like a machine gun
but the answers never come
Am I not contrite or humble enough?
I have clawed at these pages
for some sort of explanation
The heavens are as brass
and the earth is iron
There is no one listening
no one sees me here
I am a quivering shadow of a man
still alive
but to no avail
Every day is a new show,
a new battle to fight
get your head on straight
lace your boots up tight
Answers won't come to you
keep up a healthy barrage
and someday those doors will open
Someday
you'll be in the clear
Someday
there will be no need to fear.

took the teeth from the bulldog

These are your stories
all of them
they are written with vagueness
and hyperbole
but they all point to you
and your singular struggle
You have found yourself
ground down and burned out,
a mess of naked nerves
You thought you found the bottom
but always seem to go deeper still
Aren't we all just a function
of the chemicals
running through our brains?
What happens when the chemicals end
and the refusal begins?
Well, this time you're on your own
this time might be your last chance
fight with all your fortitude
and the last remnants of your wit
You took the teeth from the bulldog
but who took your bark
and your bite?
This is it now
you're in the fight of your life.

the last page

Your world has become a canvas
you've painted black
your friends say
they don't know you anymore
I bet you wonder
if they ever did
You bleed in accusations and questions
This war you've engaged in,
this war with yourself
has left you bankrupt and empty
When will you drop the charges?
when will you walk away?
Your tenacity is unsettling,
your punishments are retroactive
Shadows wince in the silence
of your internal war
You must wonder
what's keeping you alive
maybe it's the same thing
keeping you up at night
There is a way out
but it involves "drastic actions"
It is a blackness that envelopes
like a womb, like a blanket
and it takes all your care away
It is the end
it's in your hand
and it is the only solution
you have left.

name, rank and serial number

The girls taste like
so many things
they taste like rare birds,
birds without wings
devils and angels and rust
Some remember words
you're pretty sure
you've never said
They all penetrate
and bore into your head
peek around corners
stalk you in your sleep
In your mind
you are a simple man
content with little--
sunsets and sweet rain
They caress your exterior
and breathe in a musky mix
of raw and refined
It seems like they exist
to cross off your thoughts
and replace them with their own
It seems so innocent
but it is a war
that you are losing
They have breached your perimeter
snaked past the sleeping snipers in the trees
and are busy
draining your mind
and wasting your time.

your old friends

Your old friends
don't come around much anymore
There isn't a lot to do here
mostly just idle talk
and old war stories
Those old feelings
have become a lesson
the faces and the names have changed
but those girls remain the same
Taunting, just out of reach
they know you won't take chase
You are a caged animal
hair raised on your spine
mouth a frothy mess
and eyes that never rest
Your filthy paws
will never feel free ground
your filthy mind
will never stop trying
Your old friends
never told you
there was never anything there
no one lives
no one dies there
It is a cheap stage
for even cheaper magic tricks
Once they're done
they move on to the next town.

fast cars driving nowhere

They are tangles and tentacles
hair and flesh and hot breath
limbs that innocently rub against
lips that shape words and wounds
and deadly warfare
They are the now
and you are an old curiosity
a relic that has survived
to tell the oddest tales
They are invasive
like weeds
they thrive on abuse
Their glances bore into you
and become something caustic
Their names don't matter
their faces always change
Without even trying
they soak you to the bone
in sticky pheromones
bubble gum, endless Friday nights
music no one cares about
and fast cars driving nowhere
they will rule the world
but for now
they just want to play
cat and mouse with you.

if there is hope

The lights have gone out
in your brain again
The night is a menace
and it breeds pestilence,
breathes it into you
So many hands grope you
so many voices render you speechless
so much blame to go around
but it's just you here
Like a puppet
you play along
hoping they'll get tired
of such easy thrills
but they never do
The answering machine is blinking
you know, though,
the line's gone dead
Money can't fix you
time doesn't heal this
running got old so long ago, so
you wait and hope
that you will simply dissolve
and cease to exist
No drug can keep you up
and people just drag you down
Those pretty people
and those nice families
just remind you of your hopeless state
If there is hope at all
then it exists in black and white
if there is a cure
then it is subtle,
an inoculation you never feel
Is it in me now?
I bite my lip
and imagine it there.

machines break

I am driven beyond
the limits of my body
so many times I have broken down
and wondered why
I say when it is enough
I say what gets done and when--
not this brittle casing,
this angry old soldier
I am a belligerent and humorless
taskmaster
When will I learn
machines break and we fix them
but what have I done
to fix myself
What sort of repairs,
what maintenance have I scheduled
My own body has become a reminder
of the war I have waged
there are gunners in my eyes
subterfuge on my lips
hellfire in my heart
and lingering shrapnel in my flesh
This war is a consumption
and when it stops
so will I.

surviving midnight

When their eyes have left you alone
you know all too well
that's when the real torture begins
Alone, you are vulnerable
alone, you reek of fear
you can sense them
sniffing right outside your door
waiting for your eyes to close
listening to your trembling heart
They are always there
but this is their witching hour
Bloodthirsty bastards
they never get enough
they withdraw from every account
You have four walls to consider
and no way out
They poke, they prod,
they make you squeal
Your best defense is to scream
but no one would hear you
They know what power is
You haven't figured it out
you just know that
right now is a bad time to be you.

we are those people

I remember so well
your tobacco lips
your careless clothes
the hair that was everywhere
and the lies I told myself
when I knew I was wrong
I remember the cold nights we shared
walking nowhere, talking
pretending we knew it all
I like to think
that we are those people still
but the years have changed us somehow
Sitting on the floor
playing video games
doesn't seem the same
Simple things don't mean as much
and I don't have the energy
to defend myself anymore
All I want
is to sit on my stoop
and whittle away at one problem
When I'm done
I'll do it again
at some point
I will find the end
at some point
I will have rest
and at some point
we'll remember who we are.

spin in tiny circles

I am a consternation
and a bloody battleground
You don't seem to see
I don't want to live this way
I don't want to end up
broken at the bottom of a hill
All is see is payback,
bitter retribution
for knowingly abandoning you
My claustrophobia got the better of me
my impatience and boredom
compelled me the other way
If tears could cleanse
I would have nothing to fear
but we all know,
don't we
fear has gotten the better of me
What are the words
read me my lines
What is the point
you'll just close your eyes
I am pitiful
in my sackcloth and ashes
torn, as if by wolves
I have gone nowhere
I spin in tiny circles
as my life leaches into the ground
Will someone plead my cause
will someone answer on the other end
Will I get to see
your smiling eyes again?

walk through the fire

Things could be different
any day now
it could all change
Maybe now is the time
for a break
for those clouds to go away
for the right chemical reaction
the right equation
to make everything right
What are the chances
that this madness with endure forever
what is the point
if this is all we get
Maybe someday
the hot and the cold,
the rapture and the droll
won't conspire against us so
can I write the rules
can I do it my own way
Let me write a check or two
let me break your bones
and walk away unscathed
let me walk through the fire
spit flames into the sky
and never get the feeling
I'm about to die.

the one with damaging eyes

My jukebox turned to rain
the last time I saw your face
my eyes go dead and distant
every time I think about
your sweat mingled with mine
I lose my grip
when I think of you
all the lines I wrote
all the calls I made
and it seemed like
you were barely there
Why did you have to be
so far away
You were shouting at me
to walk the line
you were warning me
of danger up ahead
but I never heard you
and we all know
the rest of the story
we all know you got out of town
and never came back
I will always feel for you there
you, the one with damaging eyes
me, the one who never heard you
you had rock and roll in your lips
I had my memorized lines
and such hopeless dreams
You wanted someone to save you
from the dark and the void
I wasn't the one,
I just made you bleed more
When you left,
they laughed and shook their heads
they never got it,
never understood how life can twist you
and cut you down
until there is nothing left
I wish I was there in that
Nebraska drizzle
when they put you in the ground
when the hopeless lost
one of their own.

my noise in you

Look away
you've got to look away
you don't know what to say
my words dig in deep
my eyes penetrate
I am an escaped convict
running for my life,
running out of time
I am the monolithic murder fiend,
blood on my teeth
You are disgusted
but you can't move your feet
I know you don't know
what I'm saying
but I'll say it anyway
You can deny it
but we both know that it's true
You've got my noise in you
you feel my teeth bite down,
your hotness gush out
When your eyes close
you can imagine anything
and you will--
anything but this
anyone but me
When the day comes
when you can touch your scars
and not see my face
then you will know
I will never leave you
alone with the voices,
alone with the noise.

a thirst in me

Why do such cold nights
follow in your wake
why are your eyes so stalwart
and shining when they despise me
It is a trap
and I have been snared
there is a thirst in me
for your evil
There are so many ways
this can go wrong
but I blindly feel for you
I am the caustic, failing, graying
man with too much on his hands
and never enough time
I have put questions in your eyes
you've put a war in my guts
What are the chances
we'll get out of this alive
I just want the torments to cease
the nights put to sleep
and your hands back in your lap
Someday I will be at rest,
at peace with myself
Girls like you won't twist me,
break me, sabotage me
someday I'll stop this endless reiteration,
this poorly written and poorly acted tragedy
someday my vile mind
won't conjure you
and maybe someday
I won't need your sad songs
to keep me alive.

your menacing eyes

You get a bad taste in your mouth
every time you look in the mirror
those eyes have something
dangerous in them
You've grown hungry and mean
and you can't shake it anymore
there was a time when
you could blame it on circumstance
and bad luck
only a fool would believe you now
Can anyone sit in the same room
and not feel your menacing eyes?
no one can cover for you now
questions have turned to statements,
intuition to fact
Everyone sees you're dying
and at your own hand
Their eyes follow you
with disgust and helplessness
you give away so little
yet they know so much
Is there an explanation?
These are not the eyes
you were born with
this is not the path
anyone thought you would take
You are an angel of rot,
a caricature to fool the simple
you are the end
that refuses to come.

dioxin addiction

I'm addicted to your noxious chemicals
your love is hazardous waste,
chlorine bleach, plastic fire
You are the blackest smoke
filling my pink lungs
Your smile
spits poison in my face
behind your mascara eyes
is genocide, falling bombs,
dust bowl, famine and apathy
You don't even know
that you deal in carcinogens,
that in your wake
is a thirsty, desolate land
Your words are dioxin
your tongue is a fire
that never goes out
Whatever you did to me
I wish you would take it back
whatever you want from me
I'm sure is long gone
I am an abandoned church,
my gothic stance is all that's left
rocks have penetrated my windows,
my insides are moldy and flaking
my doors are locked
but somehow you've
found a way in
You like it here,
for some sinister reason
We belong together
we are the last of a dying breed
we are a unified brokenness,
dying animals holding onto one another
shuddering, coughing
laughing in the moonlight
extracting what life we can
from the shifting shadows
and the festering mess
that surrounds us
boring into one another
for the last holdout promises
and smiling our sick, cancerous smiles
for the last time.

the comeback

These are my blacks and blues
I've gotten them
from everyone like you
these stains go deep
my pain goes even deeper
and it never comes out
Try to make me
show my innocence
try to wrench is out of me
my vulnerability
the brokenness
that makes me human
You can drill for it
with all of your technology
you can place it in your
centrifuge of control
You will never
separate me from it
you will never break me down
Try with all your miracles
try with all your might
I have become bored
and am looking for a fight
I am a stubborn stain
of graffiti in your mind
Paint me, sand me down
I will always come back again.

wandering stars

Fate isn't fiction
and forever can be yours
you just have to find
those fine lines
you just have to sing your songs
to those ugly crowds,
those dirty masses
and come out clean
Ask me why I abuse my muse
and the answer has always been
because she is there
Ask me why I cannot look away
and the answer is clear
I have nothing else to do
When the worms come for you
just remember
they got to me first
I sat up so many nights
that I forgot everything
but your name
and the way your voice sounded
the very first time
you crackled on my line
I don't think you will ever know
how many meager years
I searched in vain for you,
how many nights I probed
the heavens and walked among
those dirty, dying stars
we were all the same--
our eyes were always brooding
and ever wandering
we were such lost causes,
study hall rejects.

what turns your gears

It would be like building a house,
locking the doors
and walking away
You know their eyes shine
with the promise of endless weekends,
summer vacation and
planets in a telescope
They are science fiction
you know what turns your gears,
lubricates your moving parts
keeps you young
Losing her would
plunge your world into darkness
losing her would be like
losing the sun and the moon
Without her
the stars could fall into the sea
the wind could rage
the earth could melt
Nothing would matter
you would be Jonah
mourning the gourd
cursing the day you were born
waiting for the man upstairs
to burn down the world.

cotyledon

Those first two leaves
don't mean anything at all
they're like training wheels,
anonymous instruments
to get you started
That's what my hands feel like
right now
that's what your body feels like
right now
Your face is turned away
but I still feel your
embarrassment and fright
you are so unsure
of your own weapons
It feels like
you've given me everything
I have no qualms
with disrupting your world
there are no reasons
to look back
You keep telling me
you don't mind
but I know
I have uprooted your soul
You have come to this
strange and brooding place
to find out about me
but all you see
is their blood splattered on the walls.

one good thing

Trouble like a lead blanket
is smothering me
I can't think
can't fight, can't run
can't even make a move
my insides are churning
like an underwater Houdini
but I am not a professional
I have no tricks
Sitting in front of that screen
has cratered my brain
The endless datastream
of bad news
has turned my world to rot
All I'm asking for
is one good thing
I've become lean and wizen
in my search for it
I've turned to isolation, insulation
from the noise
from the angry crowds,
the tear gas and dead bodies
Sitting in this quiet place
is a salve
being here with you
is a healing balm
and everything is right
The world can fall apart,
the clouds can rain down fire
for all I care
I will watch from my easy chair.

have you noticed

Have you noticed
my clothes don't fit me anymore
my skin has worn thin
in strategically painful areas
I can't finish sentences
thoughts flop off my tongue
and fall to the floor
My mind wanders
like a hungry and dying wolf
Words are clumsy tools to me
I break them like a brute
Have you seen my blankness?
The despair in my eyes
cannot possibly hide
Too many warnings
were left unheeded
Too many thoughts
were left all alone
Too many nights
I fraternized with devils
Where were you when the lights went out
when the walls began to crumble
when the windows rattled with screams
and I gave my soul to them
for one more night with you
I've borrowed too much time
and now it's time to pay
Well,
Have you noticed?

looking for you

How can so many ghosts
live in such a small house
It's just you and me
but it feels like an epic, a tragedy
How many nights will pass,
how many new days will come
and whimper away
How will we reverse this subversion
Where is the healing balm,
which words will satisfy
Which direction will propel us
from this moldering place
I don't wear a watch
because time has turned on me
I feel shattered,
hit below the belt
I am gasping,
grasping for anyone's hand
Looking for you
and your lying bedroom eyes
You and I are so far away
our pain has alienated us
our misery has made us strangers
The sun is full of ridicule
the breezes are cruel jokes
I am burned from within
So many years of deadfall
have fed this inferno
I wait for the healing rains
and the new life they bring.

bleeding lyrics again

Where is the rest
in your world of constant motion
you imagine a slower pace
you imagine a lot these days
"anywhere but here,
any time but now"
has become a mantra
You are shut off
you are disconnected,
dismantled--lock out, tag out
Burned so many times
you are blatant in your distrust
your emotions are knots and tangles
your directions don't make sense
It's amazing you function at all
Once,
the future was wide open
Once,
your capabilities astounded even you
Now,
you bleed like a living voodoo doll
Now,
even the wind makes your sores angry
your harmony is discord,
your radio plays static
The stink of your fetid wounds
has reached your nostrils
A sane man would cleanse
with bleach, with fire
You think you can come clean
with your confessions, with desire
you ought to know
a library of words
won't take your pain away.

drinking damage

How does something so small
hold you up
How can a liquid
make you whole
How many bottles
do you have to empty,
nights you have to obliterate
before you are pure again?
You are a walking dirge
sunlight fails
birds drop from their perches
shadows choke and
oracles die
as you walk by
All because you've had enough?
The bright side is hard to see
when you're digging your own grave
Everyone has their opinions of you
well, if they only knew
"the lot has been cast
into the lap;
but the whole disposing thereof"
is out of your hand
You are a simple man
with so many demons
You are on a death binge
and have lost control
So clench your teeth
and brace for impact.

finally aware

It is hard to say
what I've wasted the most
time, money, energy
It is hard to say
where it all went
and what I should do now
It is hard to say
how many distractions
have diverted a once powerful river
and choked it into stagnation
I am a dying stream,
polluted and putrefying
Even the most dehydrated, dying animal
should be wary of my waters
Is there an EPA
for a man's soul?
So many years I have ignored consequences
with boundless energy
I profaned the sacred
For so many years I bled
and did not feel it
Infection has gone to my brain
I am dying
and I am finally aware
There is no one to speak for me,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury
I take the blame
I take the punishment
my sins are evident
I've tuned my radio to the darkness
for so long
I've forgotten what a hymn sounds like.

the last singing synapses

All of these lines I've written
I've written in blood
How could you understand
all these years
I've been piling them up
hoping you would catch on
I am a time bomb without you
dreading those final ticks
They are lyrics fed to me
by the last singing synapses
as I drink my coffee
as I drive to work
in the shower
laying awake at night
during every menial task
moments in between
moments that pass so quickly
you hardly notice they're gone
I am hopeless, I know
I painstakingly carve these words
in my tenderest flesh
They come out so strange
so raw, so wrong
I wonder if you could ever
understand
Like bubbles from the depths
do they mean anything at all?

under that microscope

I am a window
to an empty street
I am the most anachronistic motherfucker
you will ever meet
A thousand disguises
cannot conceal me anymore
I am the warning
and the blood on your door
I am the sucker punch,
a dirty trick
and you make me feel
so fucking small
Is this payment
for a thousand wayward glances?
for so many nameless firestorms
that raged through my brain?
You don't know how it feels
until you go under that microscope
I am a man,
confident and sure
but at this moment
I've forgotten my name
A wall of eyes
can bring you to your knees
They ask so many silent questions
they cast aspersions,
they punish and pierce you
until you're out of sight
It is hard to fess up
until the tables have turned.

tending to my sin

I am the judge
I am the jury
and the fucking emcee
nothing in this circus
goes beyond me
I am the drug-addled soldier
with one too many sleepless nights
my chemicals are my salvation
and they've distilled into frustration
I stand alone and I breathe
a sigh of relief
like a tourist town in the Fall
when the rain comes down
and there's no place to be,
nothing to see
I am a forest regenerating,
waiting for you to leave
so I can come alive again
Where are you from,
what are you doing with your life
who fucking cares
we all end up the same
You can wrestle with God,
my friend, all you want
I'd rather not pick fights
I know I can't win
I'd rather not waste energy
tending to my wounds,
tending to my sin.

soft words and sharp blades

I have a confession
and I've run out of apologies
I hope you'll understand
There's no sense
in trying to make sense
of what I refuse to change
I am a man,
molded in clay
my eyes are roving
my heart races
my hands get hot
and my thoughts move with violence
like a storm
It is a heart attack
it is an eruption
I am covered in it
There is no going back
there is no backing down
There is only the impact
and I don't care to see your face
It is enough to know
I have broken us forever
it is enough to know
that violence begets violence
and I am soaked to the skin
in viscera, in hot orgasmic blood
I have cut to the bone
one too many times
My executioner is running late
she brings soft words and sharp blades.

a blender on high

The night has a violence
that is hard to comprehend
It has noises and ferments
with fears, with torments
Your eyes are bloodshot
more often than not
You feel an age much more
than your tender bones
You hold experiences
beyond your own words
You are a city contained in one
your complexity is obnoxious,
your depths unsoundable
You haven been given rare opportunities
and hardware to match
It is no wonder
your head churns like
a blender on high
but the question remains
Why hasn't that motor burned out?
what energizes you
keeps you viable
sane enough to function
With so much friction,
why isn't there fire?
You are blessed
and you are cursed
you can live in one
but both exist
You cannot run from it
your character is concrete
you are a contradiction set in stone
and you are your greatest foe
How many miles
do you have to run
before you realize
you will always be overtaken?

shadows that run

I'm not sure
what to say today
I think I ran out of words
or maybe they just ran away
What is the point
after everything has been said?
I'm still here
holding this bomb
I've had enough
but the situation's the same
I'm done trying to find
someone to blame
My thoughts are shadows
that run
my eyes are closed
but I can feel the sun
My situation is bleak
I'm running out of time
my body has become so weak
I know I can't keep up
I can see my life
dripping out of me
I have to keep it together
There is no point in dying here
no one would even find me
There's no reason to soldier on
everyone back home is gone
If I've got to keep trying
then I've got to keep dying.

this brutal, unusual path

It is self-inflicted
it is torture
There is no sense to it
other than the meaning you inject
There are no rules here,
just mirrors everywhere you look
and you cannot look away
There are no shackles
but you can hear screams
It is a sort of nourishment,
a sort of miserable therapy
The outward eyes don't know,
the inward eyes know all too well
No shadows can hide here
no closure exists
There is just the constant exercise
of your will against the wind
You are as happy as you care to be
and you have chosen
this brutal, unusual path
There will always be the questions
like there will always be funerals and weddings
There will always be those moments
that make you stop and think
Everyone knows
you are not pleased with yourself
but can you make peace with yourself?
It is like talking sense to the mountains
Living with you will always be
wars and rumors of wars.

the prettiest red dots

She is a denial
she is the end
her wordless mouth
has doomed me to this
She is my shaky crutch
and she knows nothing at all
If she did know
her silence would end
with violent rhetoric, hysterical laughter
A grown man
should not feel this way
I should remember that
I should write it down,
make a list
and fill it with all the things
I know I shouldn't do
But I know how hard
it is to cross things off
At least my emotional chaos
is organized
When I bleed,
I make the prettiest red dots
If I squeeze hard,
I can write your name.

your new direction

You are the fallen one,
corroding where you dropped
you are flaking paint and rust
leaking your chemicals
into the thirsty ground
You have been patient
did what you've been told
but they never gave you what you needed
You were abused and neglected
like so much outdated machinery
For so long
you were torn in so many directions
and now you are unmovable
fused to the dirt
Now, you wear the scars of vandals
and the graffiti of the bored
Your new direction is down
and slowly
as fast as you can off-gas and crumble
There is no leaving this town
you couldn't if you tried
your engine is full of sludge
and broken-down dreams
Your tank is full of powdery moths
and shaky spiders
You are beyond a flat tire
you are an angry eyesore of a machine
silently blaspheming all of nature
all of mankind
and every hateful bird.

at any other volume

You were driven into a corner,
the weight of their hate
pressed you to the floor
You asked for mercy
you pleaded with your tormentors
to just put you down
They gave you bread
you ate it and it was sweet in your mouth
it turned bitter in your stomach
it made you mean inside
They fed you hate
and it grew in you
it grew and it became this--
you can only function at full noise
you twitch and sputter
at any other volume
Destruction keeps you warm
arson makes you smile
bleeding is made better
when you've become lightheaded
and can finally think clearly
Their laughter dulls
your senses fade
you are nearing the end
like a dying, fallen star
you are so far from home
Will they see it when you die?
Will they see the night sky dim
imperceptibly?

words are weak

Are you jealous of her?
my secret lover is blank, expressionless
she knows only what I tell her
and never questions my judgment
As a whore, she lets me have my way
and never requests her turn
She is a bafflement
her selflessness disgusts me
I rage inside to destroy her
In a moment,
every bit of her could be gone
It's up to me
I have scarred her, marred her
with so many hateful words,
so many drunken and drowning scrawls
her skin is tattooed with my pictures
With her lips she draws me near,
with her heart she runs from me
I cannot capture her
words are weak
ideas are stillborn
My fingers blaspheme the fire in my brain
Intending to land a leviathan,
I have instead waded in with children
My eyes have blurred over
she whispers in my ear
I feel for her
She is the unattainable
I am the unlovable
our love is the perfect suicide.

slipped through the cracks

You've got to know
you're just a ghost now
I'm sorry I can't hold on forever
your hair and your smell
are about the only thing left
I wish I knew
if you ever got there,
wherever you wanted to be
I wish I knew
if your brother still knows my name
Do you still live in the shadow
of the glistening monoliths?
Do your eyes still widen
to engulf the world?
Maybe it is best
that you lay still there
like a photograph, unmolested
by time or other awkward hands
Maybe it is right
that we both took flight
to separate worlds
I have no ill will
and I left my pride behind
I hope you know that
I'm sorry for the pain
I'm sorry for what I lacked
and the desperate pieces of me
that slipped through the cracks.

shame like cellophane

I am the cause
I am the shame
I am broken down
I am to blame
Your tears flow so easily
my hands are covered in them
Your eyes conceal it
That's okay--
I can't look at them anyway
There is no measure of Job in me
there is no David or even Peter
God's grace can't reach me here
I am broken free
and into what?
I have risen in the morning mist
and have melted in the sun
I have mere moments
so here it is--
I wish I hadn't caused you this pain
I hope you see my frame
and its terrible weakness
All I wanted was to make you smile
all I need is to see your brilliant eyes
free of care again
free of the care
I brought to them
free like the moon and the clouds in the sky
free, and me so far away
suffocating in my world of shame.

"look at your little monster"

Mother,
sometimes I wish you knew
Father,
sometimes I think of you
and all the times we never had
I tried to be a big man
I tried to wash my hands
of the world's misery
You can't see me here
but maybe you can imagine
Maybe you can feel what I've become
Me,
laying awake at night with the torments
dragging those shadows into the morning
working like the worst of criminals
and finding a failed wreck at the end
Me,
trying to drown my shame
and doing it all again
I'm sorry I broke so many rules
I ran away
that was the wrong thing to do
I am punished every day
in more ways than you can imagine
I am shattered like an animal on the highway
like a dream it has come to me
You hurt the ones you love
with the most efficient and brutal blows
I am an assassin
covered in so much blood.

her bloody screams

Shame on you
you shouldn't have done that
you know
the way you bent her limbs into the trunk,
her contorted body,
it wasn't natural
of course, that wasn't the worst
The moment she knew
she was going to die
Was it when you held her down?
Spit in her eye?
Was it there all along,
did she wait for it like she knew?
What are you going to tell yourself
to make it all right?
Tomorrow is good for that
right now you're busy
wiping your mouth
and her bloody screams out of your mind
It was her fault, you know
the way she looked at you
it was too much
How could any man contain himself
and when she laughed at you
well, what did she expect
In your mind she's dead in the trunk
she may as well be
Instead, she sits beside you in silence
and the drive home is painful and awkward
she said things that didn't make sense,
you said things you wish you hadn't
She'll go on with her life
but you know that something was murdered tonight.

the creepy one

In the deepest night
and the darkest corners
you can feel me there
like a pulse of electricity
Leave me alone--
unless you, too,
have lost your fear
Unless the word "lonely"
means nothing
and "pain" passes right through you
If you are cold to the touch
If you haven't seen your reflection
for years
and have no need for tears
Then you have become it
you are a walking wound,
the creepy one people talk about
the one with hollow eyes
and vacant smiles, empty laughter
You are the void
you feel at home with me
rotting with the rest
of the human garbage
out of sight
Rape wasn't enough
you had to murder yourself
so it didn't feel so wrong
when others got around to it
Now you long for blood
but you've gnawed yourself down
to the bone
You know it won't be long
There's always company in these bleeding shadows.

under the streetlights

My stomach has turned on itself
I have no laurels to rest on
even if I wanted to
I am in need of someone familiar
but all I see are the eyes of strangers
I am sweating and gasping for air
but my exterior is calm and
cold to the touch
"Pretenders" is my favorite Bad Religion song
for reasons all too real
I have carried that theme
to ridiculous ends
The meandering vine of apathy
has crawled up my spine
and has paralyzed me, silenced me,
blinded me,
and now intends to do me in
If I had a finger free
I would call for you
Would you hear me?
Would you recognize my miserable state?
Can we play one more time,
pretend we are new again and
bound through golden fields
and smoky nights
Let's run free again
because we've let too many things
tie us down and bury us
I want to see your eyes
under the streetlights again
and to need nothing more.

changing the radio station

Girls run past you in the summer sun
you're amused and you're having fun
but what do they know?
You don't pay no mind,
hands busy changing the radio station
changing gears
You've got a lot of things
running through your brain
man, do you see yourself these days?
getting older, going gray
the sun always seems brighter
these days
The girls always seem to linger
less these days
like they see something you don't
but you see it,
don't you man
It's not part of the bigger plan
but it's all you've got
Running out of time
got old
ten miles back
You've gotten used to
living in the hollow, in the lack
What do you know, man?
You've got your pretty papers there
I've got bloodstains and scars
I've got the sun and
the naked stars
I've got the snarling, biting shadows
I've got the quiet
down by the river
Those girls and their glistening sweat
can't find me there,
alone with the moon.

where the shadows stretch long

Someday I won't fear the rain
Maybe someday
I won't fear anything at all
Once you've thrown everything you've got
Maybe rest will come
My synapses are on fire
My eyes are burning and red
I am a quivering mess of anxiety
You've got your hand out
but you slap mine away
You've got your party hats on
I've got my hammer and nails
If you get close enough
You can hear my clock ticking
I am a warrior
fighting in his sleep
I am an engine
abused and neglected
The wind brings the raindrops
the clouds blow away
but I am left here
in the dirt and the mire
I want to erase this place
with my hate, with a six pack of fire
I want to take you with me
where the rain never lingers
where the sun never fails
where the shadows stretch long
and laugh with carelessness.

suck the marrow out

This noise in my head
never makes sense
This noise in my head
never relents
I am a vagabond
broken in two
I am a hunter
looking for you
This place has grown old
I am afraid
these roots will hold me down
Right now, without you around
I just want those keys in my hand
I want to cut and run
I want to have a little fun
Can we
set fire to photographs and ancient ghosts,
Can we
kill the beasts in the sunny vales,
roast their bones and
suck the marrow out?
I want to
blaspheme a thousand gods,
cover myself in murky waters,
shout the devil out
I need this sacrifice,
I need this unholy exercise
to feel like I'm not just alive
I need your
blood pumping in me
I need your
lascivious lips and simmering eyes
to remind me
that sunsets don't last forever.

on a tuesday

You've found yourself here again
failing, yet trying to remain calm
You are bleeding and alone
How much blood do you have left?
Do you even have enough
to call for help?
You talk to the ceiling,
you splatter the walls,
you embrace the spreading pool
beneath you
Even now, you fail to understand
all of your learning and yearning
have not made you a better man
Dying is too easy
they sell it on every street corner
and it hides behind so many eyes
You've turned cold now,
the realization has crept in
This is it--
nothing will be new again
The gray and the rain have
washed you away
All of this--
on such an ordinary day.