leaving Nebraska

I feel like
there are ten people inside me
and they all want
something different
Sometimes I feel you watch me
a little too closely
Am I getting out of hand?
There was a time
when I ruled the world
If I look closely
in the dimmest parts of my memory
it's still there
That's me on the playground
still having fun
that's me still basking
in the setting sun
I have a thousand handfuls
of these rusted dreams
and bullshit schemes
All I wanted to do was get out
all I wanted to do
was find you
I got out
but I didn't get far
Everything chasing me
was always inside
I didn't want to be there
I vowed to leave there
I cried myself to sleep for weeks
after we moved there
I never wanted anything from anyone
but a ticket out
Yet, I grew there
became a man there
stared down so many awful days there
and here I stand
rearranged and stamped by it
I just want some peace
before I die
but there's no peace inside
Peace smells like boredom
and that's one concept I despise
No, I haven't been back
and make no plans to do so
No, I didn't leave
any part of me there
just so much wasted time
So remember me
and the way I was
shooting hoops until the light was gone
because that's the way
I'll always be.

you and me (guest lyrics)

I wish I could
hold you
break you down
make you tell me everything so trapped inside you
Make me understand
what lies beneath
piece by piece
moment by moment
So much pain
hatred
rage
desire
It's hard not to feel like I'm somehow responsible

But if you promise me
we can
keep us pure
keep us together
keep us--
us
then fuck the world
and whatever it throws our way
because at the end of the day
we are what matters
not the others
not the separate lives
not the past
but this
you and me
here and now
forever.

walking off the whiskey

I have no fear
you should know
I don't sleep
I don't weep
I don't feel anything
but pain and desperation
Watching you
is like watching
a house on fire
but I'm pretty sure
no one gets hurt
In this bitter night
under a tepid moon
I hunt for you
Back home they're wondering
why I didn't clean up
my blood, my hate
The faithful few
tried to suppress the flames
but I was too far gone
Fire is desire
and if I kill desire
you get closer
If you get closer
I'll never get what I want
What I want is peace
What do you want from me?
I know all kinds of things
about you
but not the right things
I'm too tired
and I'm too old
to keep coming back here
I'm not sixteen and carefree
I'm not anything
beyond the end of the street
Tell me something--
anything new
because all I hear
is claustrophobic nonsense
Give me something--
anything for my hands to grasp
because they need
to stay busy and clean
Dirty girls make for
dirty rhymes
I don't have the time
to waste anymore
with cheap hooks and paperback books
Something shut off in me
when you said you couldn't take any more
Something rearranged in me
when I saw your blood on the floor
No game is worth this pain
the night is cold
and it makes me want you
here with me
like the happy ending
that never comes.

the price I pay

Your face is pornography
or something like it
How I want to crush you
where you lay
break you up
and carry you with me
I want to melt you down
into purer parts
burn off the dross
stand alone with you
What is the price I pay
for this time with you?
What is the temptation worth?
Murder is the price--
I pay it every day
I put feet in these shoes
The days flare by in whites and blues
burning both ends now--
too much to drink
not enough sleep
too many voices
crowding in on me
Again, ask me
what is the price I pay?
It's everything
you, me and peace
at the end of the street
Nothing is left
but hangovers and rage
nothing is left
but the bliss in your eyes
when we finally meet

You think that suicide
takes balls, boy?
Endure this endless loneliness
come back and tell me
what you think
This is it--
a roar inside is all I need
your eyes, your lips
so wet, so open
so enamored with what you see
Let me take you apart
stick my fingers
where they don't belong
Who am I to judge?
I've done everything I shouldn't
Who are you to disagree?
you're only everything I need
You are the girl
with the rebellious hair
I fell in love with
You are the one
who still waits for me
on the other side
of so many nightmares.

junkyard tom

This is my desktop picture. Not sure why. I guess I like the open space and the strange angle on the rusting, angry truck. I think all trucks should look like this. Not something to mess with. "Let me do my job, park me, and leave me alone."
Maybe that's just me talking. I feel the same way. Let me do my job. Let me rust. Give me some time on the road and I'll show you my worth. Just don't take me for granted.

tomorrow be damned

Another day, another dollar
so many questions still linger
but there's a bottle of bootleg
waiting for me at home
Silly girls will always exist
boys still fight the same fights
fueled by the same light beer
and I still crave the same woman
Nothing changes
nothing rearranges
like a tall glass of corn whiskey
It burns like the devil
and it makes you feel like a god
It is the chemical equation
to make all of my pain go away
Clear as water
easy on the eyes
and not a drop is wasted
Tomorrow be damned
I will steal this moment
like a wicked man
Is that Therapy? on the stereo?
is that my notebook laying open
ready for more hate, more rape?
I can see beyond heaven here
I can waste into the night
my soul is on fire
my feet have gone numb
Don't leave me alone
with the stereo
don't let these idle hands
forget their master
In your absence
I have a hard time remembering
who I am or what I want
That's right--
I want it all
A brilliant riddle--a chimera
is methodically stalking me
her name is all of them
Fused like that
she can make me weak
in order to survive
I've become a myth myself
in order to see tomorrow
I must subvert today
in order to wake with you
in the morning
I must pervert the night
If you think about me
say a prayer
because these hands
won't be idle for long.

one thing about loneliness

Something very dark
is crawling through my brain
something very dark
is roaming freely
through every corridor
That's one thing about loneliness
you'll accept all sorts of company
This time it's you
in your underwear
doing things I've read about
but never have seen
So much lust is caving in on me
and jealousy is calling the shots
I can't own something wild
I can't make any part of you mine
This is a study in repression
and regret
and guilt
and shame
So here I am again
trying to heal myself
trying to understand myself
trying everything--
but failing
There's a riddle
hidden deep inside all of this
but God damn me
I can't reason it out
Dear reader
forgive me for everything
If I knew another way
I would perform it
If I was made of something better
these things wouldn't bother me
but I live in a cold
and empty house
with lots of windows
(so it doesn't feel so much like prison)
Sometimes in the night
I know you see me
staring out those big windows
You know my body's there
but I've left you
I'm a thousand miles away
doing a thousand things
I'll never get a chance to do.

fainting spells (AFI)

Give me this
before I slip
before I sink
because I think
I think I may have found
the short way down

Just give me something--
cold and clear
The love spent here
as I had feared
means nothing dear
I pray to reason
I'll forget
I'll trade what's left

Just give me something--
I'm the devout
Praying just to
get the blood out
bound by this flesh I own
I'm the devout
Cutting just to
get the blood out
Desecrate
til we die alone

I will defy
the pulse disguise
but please
pretend we're still alive
if it gives you hope
I've sung and drowned
I'm taking the short way down

Give me something--
I'm the devout
praying just to
get the blood out
bound by this flesh I own
I'm the devout
Cutting just to
get the blood out.
Desecrate
til we die alone

Give me something I can take
can take to make the memories fade
Poison kiss
remember this
I never was meant for this day.

this burning air

I can live without you today
I can live without you tomorrow
the next day and the next
but just a minute with you
and all I can think about
all I can do about
is wrong, wrong, wrong
You have a sick, perverse power
and I don't know what gear I'm in
how old I am
or who you are
You are the ultimate trojan horse
and I am ridden with worm holes
guilt and ethanol
Tell me you know the future
because I need
something to believe in
Purge me of my doubt
purge me of all my lies
You are capable of anything--
what a face
what eyes
I boast of such mischief
but you cut me down
so easily
My name is in the bathroom stall
for everyone to see
there is slander
behind every pair of eyes
It is hard to live in this world
so hard to breathe
this burning air
I'm sorry this is our stage
so sorry
I'm not more prepared
but I can't say I'm sorry
for breathing you in
can't say I'm sorry
for forcing our atoms
into such close quarters
for squeezing what life I can
from such a dry atmosphere.

twelve hours later

God I love girls
but I like breathing more
I like their eyes and lips
and collect them
until they conspire against me
They wage a war
I cannot retaliate against
they are a suffocating weight
a millstone around my neck
Their eyes return my accusations
with a simple "Who, me?"
It's the last thing I see
before they throw me in the sea
I am a desperate man
and my parts are fused by rust
fused by hate
into a barely recognizable human being
I am a facsimile
of something real
Don't let me bore you
with the details
don't let me keep lying--
yesterday wasn't that great
we all do the best we can
with each day
The more I think about it
the more alarmed I am
I was a mystery to many
so hard on myself
and yet I let everything
slip through the cracks
I left without warning
a simple note in my wake
and crashed on your shores
twelve hours later
Some girls aren't like the others
some girls don't play games
they just want
some sort of truth
Life is too short
and we all fade too fast
so keep your insides pink
and pulsing with the good stuff
The cold is close by
and waits for all of us
Keep yourself warm
with the one who loves you
keep yourself pure with her
and let the night
tear itself apart.

good luck charm

Wake yourself up for me
keep yourself sane for me
I can't walk
through this world alone
can't keep fighting
the slings and arrows
if I can't have you
After so many years
I still crave you
time has not made
my need weaker
time has hardened me
into a resolute fiend
for your touch and your smile
Is there an end to this?
the thought turns my stomach
touch me in the night
and remind me
that forever has no end.

still an asshole

It's tough being your muse
especially when
you abuse and ignore me
I didn't sign up
for this job
this is all your doing
I wish you'd remember that
Other men have muses
they fondle and adore them
your hands are full
of spite and retribution
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
you talk about girls
and their tricky parts
but you make no effort
to understand us
Here's a freebie:
we're all different
and I'm certainly not
like the other girls
maybe you've noticed?
Anyway
you're still an asshole
and this conversation
is over.

sunshine (samiam)

Monday
sunshine
so high
it's hard to see
through the Sunday
clouds still
lingering
how you wound up in the sea
Spinning above
burning inside
further you go
the deeper you dive
don't mean to deceive
but it's they who believe
they fall in love with the girl they perceive, not you
blind them
with kindness
until they are reminded
they're lonely and desperate
and you have a secret
it's something they all think they need
Spinning above
burning inside
further you go
the deeper you dive
don't mean to deceive
but it's they who believe
they fall in love with the girl they perceive, not you
they see what they want in you
they get what they need from you
they take advantage of you
they would be nothing without you
without you.

run with me

In the recesses of my memory
among stale boxes of data
there is that unusually warm December night
you and I face to face
for the first time
Blues Traveler on the radio
root beer on the seat
next to me
Coming out of that pale Jeep
I knew I was never going home

The way I felt for you then
and the way I feel for you now
are the same
Sometimes it seems sinful
the way you react with my hands
Something subtle
begins a chain reaction
Your breathing becomes a datastream
of delicious information
and my fingers are careful
to play the same old song
in a way you've never heard before
Give me everything
you know I want more
I end up so expended
but I'm not done

Chasing memories is comforting
but the end of the story
is chasing me
I can run fast
as long as you run with me.

no big secret

Holding on to life so tightly
can render
so many blisters
Holding on to matters
can make them matter too much
I've been going the wrong way
down a one-way street
I don't care
see me laughing
at everyone I meet?
see me jeering
and grinding my teeth?
I'm unrestrained and unrehearsed
practically newborn
with a wicked thirst for hurt
I used to think
I was only punishing myself
proud of my insulated mayhem
I owned such reprehensible deeds
Never did it occur to me
what a worry machine you had become
My benders
my ups and downs
my down and outs
all the running away
all the distractions
must have bled your sympathy dry
I bet you thought
I'd never want to change
you thought
I'd never find myself here
begging for another shot
Here I am
staring my demons in the eye
fully aware of my perilous state
and finally aware
that it is no big secret.

such innocent blood

Darkness is as darkness does
I breathe the darkness in
and taste the last memory of you
There's no light on in your window
and your shitty car
is nowhere to be found
your street is empty
my vagabond spirit
paces on your moon-drenched porch
I am frantic and jealous
watching myself
as if from a distance
My hands are brutish and mean
my breath comes in spurts
I search for a corridor
which does not exist

Where the fuck are you?
why are you drowning me in your wake?
why are the rules
always so unfairly stacked against me?
The night is a force
the moon is strength
ideas are strong
but they will bend
to the rage in my blood
the beast behind my eyes
and to the hollow feeling of loss
that makes me crave
such innocent blood.

deconstructing the fall

A cold wind is blowing
all hallows is coming
I've seen you staring
out your bedroom window at night
What are you looking for?
If I take you out
of the equation
then there's nothing else but work
If I take myself out
then the answer is much happier
I can't control my own anxieties
so I strangle loose ends
and endless variables
We all work for mathematics
not the other way around
You don't work for me
you work for your own feral genes

Brittle leaves are knocking on your door
the tired sun
is turning a cold shoulder on me
and nothing will bring us together
I used to waste my breath
now I bide my time
I used to know the answers
now I know better
I'm not afraid of the darkness
not afraid of what the wind brings
I am afraid of boredom
and I'm definitely afraid of you
If I run
you run faster
If I sleep
you riddle my dreams
If I cough
you are the blood I taste,
the pneumonia I never got over

There is a wild scent
in the air tonight
there is a belligerence
in my nostrils tonight
I've grown
but I haven't grown up
I've been stunted and contorted
like many trees I've seen
I wish I had stayed
down by the river
wish I had never
climbed those banks
It was perfect--
the sun, the water
the little girl named Amy
What force drove me on?
What voice called me out?
Why did anything have to change?
I have a luddite soul
and I hate what we've become
People form, people rearrange
the pestilence inside stays the same
If you breathe on me
I will breathe on you
Your sins are my sins
we pass them around
and feign innocence
like we always do.

cringing in the backseat

You make me feel
like I'm falling
off the edge of the world
stable ground is a slippery slope
All I really know
is that you're laughing at me
Girls like you are open invitations
thinly veiled temptations
walking mockery
What you want
and what you need
are two different things
I'm sure I can't give you either
only in the darkness that hides me
can I really feel you
Do you know
my fingerprints are all over your car?
I inhale the pheromones
under your window
and imagine you curled in sleep
or my favorite--
sweaty and tortured
by lustful fantasies
There is no way to make you
feel small like I do
so I have to imagine you that way
imagine you broken like me
I will leave a mark
you will know I'm watching you
The crow on your shitty car
that's me
the claustrophobic feeling when you're alone
that's me
when you look in the mirror
and swear that something shrank behind you
that's me too
I'm there in the boredom of your bedroom
and cringing in the backseat
when you drive so fast
My cold hands and my numb neurons
feel for your warmth in the rain
I find you colder every time
Am I the most undaunted dopamine fiend?
I never find what I'm looking for
but that knowledge is easier
than shaking this sickness.

a small light

Don't talk to me
about keeping my cool
and never letting
anything through
Don't talk to me
about rising above
I've stared the devil in the face
spit in his eye
talked myself down
from so many ledges
kept a small light burning
because darkness cannot prevail
I have stories
even I don't understand
Fables and hopeless dreams
raised this latch-key kid
You can't blame me
for turning out strange
Your shape would be contorted
tortured and broken
if you were extruded and manhandled
by the same experiences
Hope is what keeps you sane
but waiting wears you down
Hope is tender
when you hold it in your hand
but it's bitter
when it slips though your fingers
There is a girl who reminds me
that we are just
a chaotic arrangement of atoms
Her eyes have the hope I need
but they also ask questions like

How did you get so lean?
How did you get so mean?
How do your wounds
get so clean?
Do you lick them every day?
What happens when the pain subsides
and you're left with nothing to feel?
You need something to fight
I get it
but what happens
when the war is over?

So many questions
but my lungs are burning
I'm out of breath
The day-to-day is extracting
what's left of me
So go on and steal my lyrics
you think you can handle it
go ahead and face the music
This is my voice
these are my days
I burn myself here
because I won't take this pain with me.

make out playlist 01

01 depeche mode - rush

02 kill hannah - lips like morphine
03 legion of doom - bite to break the skin (senses fail)
04 depeche mode - behind the wheel (remix)
05 legion of doom - one love (aiden)
06 when in rome - the promise
07 police - every breath you take
08 depeche mode - i want you now (dyslexic integration)
09 senses fail - buried a lie
10 sparta - breaking the broken
11 sugarcult - i melt with you
12 sponge - plowed
13 trever keith - half asleep
14 reggie and the full effect - take me home please
15 i am x - after every party i die

trace the scars

This place is so familiar
I think I died here before
Is that my clotted viscera?
wild flailings sprayed on the walls?
are those my prints?
blood and spit dried on the floor?
What a desperate scene
I remember how it played out
how my hope was strangled
my trust was stabbed
my arms were bound
and then the real torture began
This is no place to die
I refuse to let it happen
This is a momentary discomfort
a necessary step in the wrong direction
I know why
I keep coming back
It is a fruitless and sadistic experience
Everything I have has been drained
every imagination has been assaulted
I wrote you letters
asking for help
asking for reinforcements and evacuation plans
but I never heard back

When I look in the mirror
my eyes are kicking and screaming
When I look at my hands
I like to trace the scars
and wonder what they've taught me
This is my last letter to you
but you won't know
I will hide it like shame
and when I sleep
I will imagine a distant reality
where a breath is savored
and not labored
where our eyes meet
and nothing is misunderstood
where the rain falls on time
where the power in our fists
isn't cruel, isn't spiteful
and the cold can't penetrate our souls
The perverseness here
I cannot accept
I will wait
for another place, another time
to come alive.

no hero

Is our hero inebriated?
drunk on hard work and misery?
The sound of a piano
is tinkling away
like the end of a movie
That's me, I suppose
because I have nothing
left to give
Here I am with the light on
late at night
It used to be David Letterman,
Conan O'Brien and infomercials
hawking exercise equipment to insomniacs
These days it's sad books
and writing about
the times we used to have
I'm drunk but I'm no hero
My father was an alcoholic
so yes
that apple is rotting
where it fell
My father made good
turned his talents into profits
I turned my talents
amazingly
into cruel jokes
There must be a law
ensuring these endings
The clues were there
I guess I missed them
So many people wanted to help
but I was compelled
the other way
What great defect
brought this weight down on me?
There is still the smell of
a church choir on me
The scriptures that I bathed in
still resonate
What I miss the most
is the virginity of it all
a cleanness I cannot find today
I want to shave my flesh clean
bathe in lye
cauterize my wounds
protect the innocent
because no one will shelter them

Instead
I sit alone and waste into the night
The hum of a 40 watt
and the rage in my mind
are the only things
keeping me alive
I can smell the hymnals
can still sing the songs
but the joy turned its cheek
the story got contorted
I am still there
fixed in time
I've lived so many lives
plagiarized so many lines
fixed the outcome
but was still surprised.

you bleed

I know you bleed for me
I see it dripping
every time you speak
What you want from me
is some kind of a sign
that I'm still alive
You sing your songs
and I dance along
That's the way
we've always been
So many nights
I begged you
to be alone with me
but you wouldn't bend
to my selfish needs
When we lived in the corner apartment
on Napoleon Road
there were so many times
I thought I lost you
Breathing in that dirty air
was a potent form of unkindness
I didn't walk away
but I did smoke more cigarettes
took long walks
was unafraid of the darkness
saw your face everywhere
and got drunk in my green chair
People said I went strange
something solidified
madness tore though me
Under a cold moon
all I had was you
but you were always so far away

Time has barely changed us
we are similar enough
to appreciate one another
Different enough
to always wonder
Sometimes I feel
you regard me as a time bomb
sometimes
I see the panic in your eyes
"Get your shit together,"
I can hear you say
but part of me
is still laying under that dirty air
paralyzed, barely breathing
staring at the alarm clock
certain that suffering
doesn't last forever.

quietly, like drowning

I've given up
many evils
the ones that remain
remain strong
A vice can take you over
a vice can make you small
Am I a child
to be punished by my own actions?
It is a strangely safe thing
to repeat a mistake
to crave a mistake
to live a mistake
It is the epitome of unrewarding
so why do I do it?
It's better than
sitting still
being bored
watching television
always thinking about it
always wanting it
To kill desire
is to kill yourself
I consider these deadly actions
strangely life-affirming
Sure,
I'd be better off
without these chemical lusts
but would I live in a home
without a fire?
Would I make love
without desire?
Life is a series
of hard questions
I have a propensity to cheat
Let me write the questions
let me fill in the blanks
With all the noise in my head
I barely know my own name
and I've nearly forgotten
where I've come from
These stories all end the same--
quietly, like drowning.

a hundred love letters

The wise man said
that the war between good and evil
is like having two dogs that fight
and the dog that wins
is the dog you feed more
I've been feeding
the wrong dog
for way too long
He has a thirst for no good
a parasitic lust for blood
and petulant murderous reflexes
No wise man can help me now
It's time to pay
for a thousand misdeeds

The night is an empty womb
and I feel welcome there
My eyes are in my head
but my heart conjures
a hundred love letters
mix tapes, hours of IRC
late night snacks
rocket fuel for breakfast
and the girl who loved me
in spite of my unnecessary ways
Maybe she's just curious
of how this mess will end
Her curls, her laugh
have hexed me
a thousand times over
I look forward to
a thousand times more.

we (descendents)

I don't care
what they say
Those numbers don't mean a thing
we've got it made
This world
is just me and you
and we know just what to do
we've got it made
Hey
everything's gonna be okay
(We've got it made together)
Hey
everything's gonna be okay
(We've got it made)
we've already got a life
we've got it made

When I look in your eyes
I know what I want in life
nothing more, nothing less
nothing more, nothing less
(Everything's gonna be okay)
nothing more, nothing less
(Everything's gonna be okay)
be the key to my success
nothing more, nothing less.

burning through the wires

I see them--
tiny drops of water
coloring the parched ground
I feel it--
the wind blowing
the unknown around
I prayed for change
and here it is
reaching through me
with fingers of spite
I didn't ask for this
juvenile game
Sometimes we don't know
what we're made of
we rely on others
to tell us the truth
What you're saying to me
is burning through the wires
overloading circuits
I like to keep things tidy
everything in its box
but you seem to have
your fingers in everything
There was a time
I believed anything is possible
now
I refuse to lie to myself
You
are a deadly mix of sins
a reverberation
of what could have been
a reminder
of my downfall
and a curiosity
that knows no bounds
Why have you burrowed so far
into my rotting soul?
and why am I not more alarmed?
It is lonely here
the sun is merciless
and there's nothing to do
but wait for you
and scratch my scabs
The heavens will have to choose
let the rain decide
I don't want to see you
slip away into the night
I know who I am
and what I've done
I deserve recompense
Lonely calleth unto lonely
my shadow calls out for yours
In the darkness
you feel like a dream
in my mind
I know you feel what I feel
It has taken me so long
to draw you this close
so long
and you still feel like a ghost
All I can do is close my eyes
and reach for you
close my eyes
and believe that this is the truth.

when your feet hit the ground

You're lookin' in on all of this
you're lookin' in
and you think
you can have it
I stole your lyrics
so you steal mine
Go ahead
there's nothing here
worth a dime
I'm holding out
for a million dollar check
holding out
for a good ol' time
The man in the mirror
is ugly and unshaven
he keeps wanting
to cut himself open
Drink from him
drink from his bleeding eyes
it's what he wants
what you need
what we all need
is a little release
The man with
the stop sign in his yard
only wants everything
everything but proof
He keeps telling stories
that end with a pause in the middle
they just trail off

The cold and clammy truth
has its hands all over me
it's not right or proper
to go down this way
Is it shame staring me down,
painting me so white?
Legends are made of
whatever I am not
I keep thinking
that man who lives in my house
is going to find out about me
He's going to want to
gut me like a rabbit
He's so intent, so hellbent
on snuffing all of us out
I'm the last of a breed
tenacious, with metallic skin
I've seen the others go
the way of the dodo
so I hide and sneak around
Do you know I'm here
when I don't make a sound?
sometimes hope is silent
but you can feel me
when your feet hit the ground.

tongue-lashing

"The tongue is a fire,
a world of iniquity"
and I want to taste
every bit of you
I'm so tired of denial
I want to defile you
What your eyes say
is "please, please"
but your mouth says another thing
Why can't you follow my lead?
follow the need
to your knees
We want so much trouble
and there's so little time
It leaves us begging for answers
begging for a sign
but I'm telling you
I have the answer
so please fall in line
Your neck is a barometer
your breath is the truth
let me go down
and show you the proof
Your contorted mouth
and your bedroom eyes
pull me in even deeper
Feel my cadence
feel my storm
raging all around you
I am the wind
I am the sea
you will feel every inch of me.

thank you (descendents)

I listen to you for hours, I'll listen all day

Just keep hitting me the right way
Sing your song in the shower
Cause you got a way
To say what I can never say right - right on
When I feel weak you make me feel strong
Make me feel strong

I won't say your name
But you know who you are
I'll never be the same again now - no way
I just want to say
Thank you for playing the way you play

You don't get played on the radio
That's not the game you play
Well I don't care anyway
I glued your tape in the stereo
So I know every word, every note
And every chord is right - right on
When I feel weak you make me feel strong
Make me feel strong feel like nothing's wrong

I won't say your name
You know who you are
I'll never be the same again now - no way
I just want to say thank you for playing the
Way you play

Did you know you're why I go
And waste my time
At a rock and roll show
You let me know I'm not alone
You make me feel strong, make me feel strong,
Feel like nothing's wrong

I won't say your name, you know who you are
I'll never be the same again now - no way
I just want to say
Thank you for playing the way you play
Thank you for playing the way you play
Thank you for playing the way you play

separation anxiety

I'm drawing the end in
with each painful breath
and exhaling
the last of my hope
The tiredness I feel
is unnatural and inhuman
It is the tiredness
of a worn out machine
Surrounded by dead end freaks
and burnouts
and pretty girls with dirty mouths
I wonder
how I can keep coming back
My mantra is simple and resilient
because it has to be
My mantra is your name
and your face
and your flesh on mine

From the time
you took a chance
on a kid from the middle of nowhere
You've been combusting inside me
energizing and propelling me
If there was no more you
then there may as well be
nothing else
Paint the world black
turn out the lights
and in familiar darkness
I will imagine your light
your smile, your laugh

It's been me and these rancid notebooks
for so many years
I've spilled myself here
so I'll never forget
cut myself down
so I'll never stop listening
What I've given to these pages
they will never give back
I've given these words away
and watched them mutate
This is my life
this is my blood
and you're all standing in it
shaking your heads and pointing fingers
Those who criticize
never seem to do anything at all
and self-appointed authorities
are the most unwelcome of all
Sometimes all you need
is one person who understands
This is my need
this is my mantra.

your effect

There is no fire in the sky
when you walk by
no unholy chatter behind my eyes
It's just you--
the same old you
What is it that's changed?
Have you outgrown the mold?
Have I killed the mechanism
that kept you alive for so long?
It's tough
when you miss your maladies
It's hard
when you crave your diseases
You're just a skinny, underdeveloped,
overexposed and unrepentant girl
made of the same stuff
as the rest of us
You became a crutch
and then became a master
Looking over these words
I see your effect
looking in on this mess
I see my epic mistake
A colder wind is blowing now
and as always
time is immune to our struggles
What I needed from you
was never there
What I always got
was an itch and a burn
that still lingers
Is there a switch
to turn you off?
No, you're not going away
If you don't have freckles
I will add them
If your eyes aren't large enough
I will enlarge them
If your voice falters
I will falter too
If you leave
I will remember you.

come home

Sunday night
and I'm so alone
I know what's comin' over
the telephone
You and me
we have an original thing
but I can feel
a reckoning
It's you
holding on to someone else
It's me
who can't let go of yesterday

Sunday night
and it feels so wrong
I don't know what's coming next
but you'd better
find yourself a ride home
You and me
hold on so tight
that we can no longer feel
the pounding in our veins
can no longer see
the storm for the rain
Shadow me
shackle me
tear me asunder
wear me down
wear me thin
and fashionably

Sunday night
and you're nowhere in sight
what is it playing
on your television?
I'd like to know
so many things
but I'm out here dying
and lying to myself
saying things like
"tomorrow is another day"
and "when you take the hit, you lose the fear"
Sometimes I think
someone is writing my script
but they cast the wrong man

In case you forgot
it's Sunday night
and the telephone is silent
that's okay
Monday will be here soon
we all forget the night
with the first brutal
rays of sunlight
Tomorrow is another day
but I'm still waiting
for your homesick voice
to tell me what I want to hear.

the healing

The healing
is clots and pus
and dirty books
It is grotesque
best done in secret
If I am broken
will you cover me?
If I am stolen
will you recover me?

The eyes in the dark
know nothing at all
they can't feel the disease
the sickness flowing through me
They can't taste
the acid on my tongue
All I am is burning hate
today, tomorrow and forever
But fuck forever--
forever is a fairy tale construct
fuck you and forever
I am standing here now
calling on the wind and the rain
to overcome me
to wrap me up in darkness
shell me all night
and feed me breakfast
take from me what you want
I am the backseat vagabond
content with the sky flying by
muffled voices in the darkness
and always clinging
to a sick hope
that this is all a bad dream
and that I'm only moments away
from waking the fuck up

I am tenacious
but my body is a place
where pain likes to brood
and multiply
I can hear the driver
speaking to no one in particular
I can hear my heart racing
but for no good reason

It's just me
and the night
watching one another
breathing one another in
and waiting for the sunrise
to tear us apart
As a boy on 8th street
I feared those dark basement steps
but now I need the blackness
to feel whole
to feel perfect
to feel no pain.

a new thing

Ground down and
burned out again
I keep wondering
when this is going to end
Eyes full of dust
and joints full of rust
I keep doing
what I think I must

How can I change my attitude
how can I keep my thoughts in line
when I have to swallow
such contempt, such hate
day after day?
I didn't pay to ride this train
so don't take my fucking picture
I didn't ask for your opinion
and you sure as hell
didn't ask for mine
I've gone beyond the point
where I can fight
just to get through the day
Now I'm just wondering
why there's nothing left for me--
just hungry mouths
lazy stomachs
asking for more

Everyone wants something
but I've cut myself so deep
so many times
I've rid myself of so much desire
that now I have become
inert, unfeeling, bored
So in this speck of time
this lonely moment in history
if you have the noise I'm missing
if you are out there
and you feel my need
then pour your sex
into my soul
bring me to my knees
with your love
shame me
with your power
destroy me
as I writhe on the floor
break me
til I bleed out the confusion
Overshadow and breed in me
a new thing.

queen of the 21st century (bad religion)

From the time
she could crawl
She was all
draped in macrame'
She was preened
and redeemed
In a church
that tried to show the way
She was taught to never ask for more
They had no idea of what she had in store

She's the queen of the 21st century
Just a ghost of what her parents thought a little girl should be
Analog heart, analog nerves, analog brain
But a fixture of the digital domain

From the time
she could read
She could see
that there was urgency
No debate
just a spate
of ignorance in a splintering community
She could never meet their expectations
Then she came to symbolize the nation

She's the queen of the 21st century
Just a shell of what her parents thought a little girl should be
Steeped in spite, coddled in fear, drenched in novelty
Oh but masterful of sensual technology

She's the queen
No rules in her empire
She's the queen
Just libido and desire
She's a lean, mean fighting machine
The stuff for modern media lore
And she always knows the score

She's the queen of the 21st century
Just a ghost of what her parents thought a little girl should be
Fallen star, black and blue, broken hearts, wasted youth
Rusted cars, twisted roots, mental scars, the ugly truth

She's the queen of the 21st century
And she's a modern day romantic, a walking controversy
She's the queen of the 21st century
She's the queen

salvation army rejects

Your open closet
is a testament
to a world lost
but not forgotten
Records on vinyl--
Elvis Costello, Guttermouth,
John Denver, Bruce Springsteen,
and Hank Williams
They are shadows
stuck to us
memories full of pop and hiss
Salvation Army rejects
parts of our souls
lost and packed away
Well I for one
cry for revolution
of music abandoned
music restrained, music contained
Follow the songs
flip them gently
they are a pied piper
Whatever you want
you will find
just follow the fever
in your mind
What you need
you will find here
laid away
for a rainy day.

cats in the hall

That's me with the six pack
down on the corner
of Wooster and Main
late at night
with the kids running wild
waiting for the light to change
so close to home
so far away
but only myself to blame
All I needed
was a sound system
and a little release
all I wanted
was everything
beyond the end of the street
Mike told it
John Rae lived it
we all wanted it
on the balcony
in the pouring rain
Such shit-talking
cigarette smoking
noisy peace
Beyond this
what do you have?
Beyond this moment
what exists?
This is it--
you and the night, the voices
the music and the rain
Tomorrow would be perfect
if you could do it again.

some sort of salvation

Sweat drips off me
into the mouth
of the dry, baking ground
it soaks into my shirt
my socks
and everything in between
It is a cruel sun
looking over me
and there is the ever-present knowledge
that I can't compete
What is the point of this?
I stink under the sun
for what?
Some sort of salvation?
If it could be found
then why couldn't I find it before?
I can't maneuver
around the questions anymore
I can't fight
the good fight anymore
but not trying is out of the question
I have to fill in the blanks
or something nameless,
something insidious takes over
If you see me
trying but failing
you have to know
this is not the end
I am broken
but not forever
I am wounded
but I'm on the mend
I will fill the thirst beneath me
I will run until
my pain subsides

There are those
who will rise to strangle me
I will rise above
they will be here tomorrow
to try again
Wait for me
meet me beyond this dying ground
There, at the end of the street
do you see me
under those sodium lights?
You can catch me if you try
but not today, not tomorrow
Wait until the rain comes down
breathe me in
feel me soaking into your pores
Remember me
and the cacophony that I was--
such naked hate, naked heat, naked noise
It's no wonder I ran
so far away
Here, I am still waiting
for the final word
the thunderclap to end it all
You and I
are forever fused
under these lights
blisters filling our shoes with blood
hating and breathing hate
and always headed toward
some distant finish line.

pretenders (bad religion)

I give to you, you take from me
We live in perfect harmony
But I know you can't give me what I need
With subtle care and rosey hues
We duke it out, we change our views
We hold so dear our unanimity

Oh
We are just pretenders
We are just pretenders, lost in this charade
We are just pretenders, characters on stage
We are just pretenders, trying to break free
We are just pretenders, hiding so no one sees

We try to find our peace of mind
Just a vestige we left behind
But ignorance takes far less energy
And if you please, I'll look to you
Because I need somebody who
forgives me for my harsh reality

Oh, but
We are just pretenders
We are just pretenders, we're trying to break free
We are just pretenders, we'll lose them easily
We are just pretenders, trying to break free
We are just pretenders, hiding so no one sees

You standing there
playing with your hair
Trying to ignore
but peeking in the mirror
Re-living the scenes
from books and magazines
Craving the life
you live in your dreams
And I'm standing here
Thinking that it's queer
But fearing that I am the same
You ask me how I feel
It's so damn surreal
I think it's finally time we ended this game
'cause we are just pretenders
We are just pretenders, lost in this charade
We are just pretenders . . .

killing time (a love song)

You've got my gun
in your mouth
I'm going to make this
as messy as possible
but you won't know
you'll be nothing
but shrapnel, bloody confetti
Your eyes are leaking
please, please, please
don't kill me
I can't understand a word you're saying
(maybe it's the gun in your mouth)
anyway
I've heard enough
It's time to take you
out of circulation
I've got Cain's blood
flowing through my veins
you've got nothing but pleas
nothing but noise
It's time to dance
time to die
Little one
you tried to be so big
now we see what you are
you're just a fallen star
what a pitiful end for you
I wish we could always
be like this
It's so rare that we see
eye to eye
so rare that we exist
on the same level
I have to keep you like this
that's why it has to end this way
you will always be groveling, begging
and I won't let you go
My love for you is eternal
you can never change
it's hard to explain
even harder to swallow
what's coming down your throat
The end is a thunder crack
hot as lightning
mean as hell
I feel your love all around me
dripping from the walls
you smell like gunpowder
you taste so raw
you ring in my ears
We will always share this moment
so intimate, so real, so beautiful.

plan x

It wouldn't take much--
when I close my eyes
it's easy to imagine
I wouldn't leave that much behind
if I were to disappear
thousands of pages just like this
thousands of dollars of debt
thousands of tears
and not much else
I want desperately to disappear
and I have help--
a drug that comes
looking for me
follows me home
calls my name
a co-conspirator in the quest
to extinguish myself
I've tried for so many years
to speed up this process
Why don't I just go
for the violent, bloody end?
after all
we all appreciate a strong ending
not this whimper
not this kicking at the pricks
not this tearful dirge
this slow procession
into the welcoming night

Maybe things won't always be this way
maybe there is a cure
for this pain
maybe someday I'll wake up
and finally know the answer

Sitting in my car
on the edge of the parking lot
sometimes I imagine
never going back--
leaving, right then and there
but
of course
everyone knows
I checked out years ago
One by one,
they've tried to draw me in
one by one,
I've disappointed them
sorry girls, I know the score
you're on plan A
I'm on plan X
You will build your kingdoms
I will be here
still drinking these bitter tears
I finger these thoughts
and file them away
There is hope
I will wait for her
and those short and sweet moments
before I have to do it all again.

highway nebraska

I'm
too tired to care
too tired to explain this shit
too tired to finish
my own sentences
too tired to carry on
too tired for more excuses
Wake me up
when we get there
there's nothing to see here
Endless miles, endless blinking
at open road
nothing catches the eye
Too fucking tired
for this bullshit
too fucking tired
of exit signs to nowhere
exit signs to the same homes
full of the same people
living the same dramas
mile after fucking mile
My car can't go fast enough
to kill the dull ache in my head
What a trip
what an end
this is where I never
want to come back again.

the double helix

Your alien body goes well
with these alien hands
I don't know what's come over me
but it feels like
the end of the world
running through my veins
I hear myself speaking
but I don't know what I'm saying
I feel you trembling
and I want to put you
out of your misery
I pity you--
you got too close
and now you've fallen
into me, into a dark pit
I should have warned you
but I held my tongue
That aggravates you, doesn't it?
It makes you want to either
destroy me or claw your way inside me
to find the answers
Why do you want my abuse?
You could be much better off
all you have to do is walk away
My lust for you is so simple, so base
to break us apart
would be like unraveling the double helix
You know I will follow you
to slake my thirst from your tender flesh
You can stand up to anyone, anything
but you can't say no
to the murder on my breath
to the apocalypse in my eyes.

ink

To Mom,

Why I want a tattoo:

*Because Random Acts of Violence is so
much cooler than Six Pack of Hate.
*Because people respect it when you
don't give a fuck what people think.
*Mine will be special, not some clip art.
*Everyone will know that I'm hardcore.
*It's not tribal or barbed-wire inspired.
*It is an icebreaker, after random sex.
*Guys will respect it as much as the ladies.
*It is two parts Morrisey to three parts
Snapcase.
*Girls won't know what the fuck I'm talking
about when I explain it, but the end result
will always be more pussy.
*I will be endlessly more photogenic and
streetwise.
*Positive ID for my pretty corpse.
*It goes so well with my two-day beard.
*We all need something permanent
(okay, occasional touch-ups).
*I designed this shit myself because I'm
deep and I have to express myself.
*The artist is giving me a price-break.
*I was joking when I said I wanted a tattoo
of a butt--on my butt.
*Grandma thought it would be cool.
*Grandma also likes PBR.
*Unlike the last CD I bought, I will never
regret it.
*Jesus has tattoos! Not that Jesus. He also
helps me fix my truck and afterward we
talk about the drugs we used to do and the
girls we used to know.
*It's a reminder of something I need to be
reminded of. It's hard to run away from.
*It's a rite of passage for my pansy, white,
suburban ass.
*Did I mention the "I heart Mom"?
*It's a gateway drug--on to the piercings.
*I should be able to snare the unhealthy-looking
girls in the health food aisle. You know, the
ones with the unnatural shades of hair color
and obvious eating disorders.
*I sold my subwoofers to get it with color.
*I cover myself with an inky armor so I can
live in a painful world.

your curious chemicals

It feels like a multitude of counselors
endlessly chattering away in my skull
Is that a clever way of saying
I can't control my thoughts anymore?
I have to try
because no one else is going to
Each day I run the gamut from
radiating hate to suicidal fantasies
But under your watchful gaze
all the noise stops
You've become my most prescribed drug
Is that flattering
or frightening?
Everyone knows about my odd obsessions
they're carved in bathroom stalls
they are petty crimes
compared to the destruction
I want to do to you
I've been reading your dirty books
been taking in your dirty looks
one by one
boiling them down
mixing in feeble ego and paranoia
in dangerous proportions
and stabbing you into my veins

I tell myself I'm strong
I can stand alone
without your faithful injections
but the noise, the chattering
convince me otherwise
Your voice quiets the riot
in my sick blood
I know
you used to think
I had all the answers
You used to hold me
and my famously cocksure ways
in such high esteem
I've lived simply
never needed much
when I was cut
I never feared the blood
Now
I have panic down to a science
Now
when I come up for air
all I want to see is your face
It's become necessary
like I've got a taste for your blood
Your body is the question
mine is the answer
every cell in my body is screaming
every neuron is salivating
every line that goes through
my dull brain
reads the same
It is a bottomless craving
for your curious chemicals.

leaving Hot Springs

Remember the backseat
of that shitty Chevette?
your brothers at the helm
cruising, wandering
the girls, the banter
Slippery When Wet
courtesy of custom speakers
I had no idea
the dreams, the thoughts
that would be drilled into me
How many girls that I see now
were conceived to those songs?
Don't get me wrong
Livin' on a Prayer still has a special place
in my rock and roll heart
but it got shoved to the quaint department
Very Proud of Ya
Stranger than Fiction, Samiam's Clumsy
they all did their part
to bury the old albums
We all choose our songs
and mine are sad and angry
That doesn't take away the time
staring out backseat windows
trying to break the code
that older boys and girls speak
Outside Evans Plunge
is that when I first felt
the vagabond curse
the wildness that always returns?
Here I am today
so pitifully removed
hoping for a taste
of that overworked stereo
sweet night air
chlorine and bubble gum

Twenty years it took me
to go back there
and drink that water
breathe that sterilized air
What an odd revelation
to find myself so unfit
unable to relate
You know those places haven't changed
the town still smells the same
as when I dug for fossils after school
The same angry sun
still bakes the ground
but my eyes can't focus anymore

Mourn if you must
it was taken from you, after all
No one ever loved this place more than you
Funny
how a girl robbed you of this
Fitting
I suppose
but the story lays still
in the red mud that cakes your feet
down by Fall River
where the dragonflies still couple
where your boyhood tumbles away from you
in that Chautauqua water.

cease and desist

This liberty of mine
has become a stumbling block to you
this coldness that I feel
has blown into you
For me it's nothing
I've spent my life
in the mire, in the abyss
You don't understand what it's like
and I don't want you to
So now my words
carry a different meaning
I will sing a different tune
I will modify
I will obscure
I will carry on under duress
but you cannot know
Try reading between the lines
of a blank page
If this liberty
has set us at odds
then I will cease and desist
and blend with the rest of humanity
Let me know if you need
this unnecessary pain
in your life
I've got plenty to offer.

tricky parts

That girl who has become
a question mark
has no idea the pains she has caused
and now I think I have the answer
We all know
I've gone about things
the wrong way
but to what extent?
As I sit here surrounded
by hastily scribbled shards of poetry
I can see
the fullness of my mistake

For too long
I couldn't breathe these thoughts
couldn't speak these words
every notion was on lockdown
every day was a new battle
for control, for censorship
Sitting in the stagnation
waiting for the promise of movement
was an unkind suffering
all I know is
I can't breathe this dead air
From where I sit now
it's easy to see
how pale my truth is
compared to the healthy glow of reality
I have made a blunder
mistook innocent deeds
for a dangerous game
Now I can laugh and deride myself
I allowed the unreality
to exist and grow
I stood by while the truth
took it on the chin
It's better than simple boredom
better than the empty feeling
coursing through me now
How can you break up something
that never existed?
This is how far I have retreated
into myself, into the abyss

Look me in the eyes
you should see it there
Sure, I know better now
but tomorrow waits for me
with a coldness you don't understand
You can take me anywhere
dear lover
you know
I'm going to come back
to this dark and brooding place
with the blood on the walls
stench in the air
and me in my easy chair
taking you all in
taking you all apart
and putting you back together
unsure of how any of you work
I sit here with the dull feeling
that I've just begun
to understand
girls and their tricky parts.

the apology

I feel sorry for you
I feel the need to apologize
After all
I am to blame
Sometimes I wish
you'd be done with me
for your own sake
sad and angry loner-types
are a hard lot to live with
I am your Heathcliff
a madman, a forever malcontent
And then there are the odd obsessions
I've been bringing home
and feasting on like delicious poison--
girls, one at a time
to drive us both insane
I've said too much
and am determined to clean up my messes
In my own defense
these twisted, unlike-me thoughts
have crawled out of a morass
of loneliness and desperation
Laughable situations and silly girls
are strangely serious and imposing
It's like waking up one day
and seeing that the rules have changed
you are no longer in charge
So here it is--
the apology
I don't know what's come over me
Is it some sort of disease?
Someday I'll know
what's turned me inside-out
someday I'll find myself
clothed and in my right mind
but right now
with the interrogation lights in the eyes
I can't imagine tomorrow
or the horrors beyond it
without you near
without your hot hand in mine
What you should do
is crush me like a cockroach
What you should do
is put an end to the nonsense
I hope you think twice
and spare me
not for the sake of my diseased core
but in hopes of a cure
I've gotten into trouble
it's true
Your dreams are informers
my dreams are liars
and they're leading us astray
my hope is that someday soon
we'll both wake up.

the music remains

I want you to know
my stereo is still proud
it is still loud
AFI, Face to Face, Bad Religion,
Social Distortion, Fugazi, Samiam:
so many dead and dying bands
still linger here
I am a peddler of acrid noise
caustic lyrics, rotting dreams

Why didn't Samiam have a hit?
they're better than Green Day
Why don't more people know
punk rock is just amped up folk music?

Would it matter
any of my words?
It's all in the sound
and how it hits you
The kids don't get it
they want Faces of Death, tattoos, unlimited texting
caffeine and The Family Guy
Here I am today
so far removed
from where I started
I don't even recognize myself
I can't breathe without the hate
can't sleep without the noise
Here I am expanding
The music can't stretch to fit
I'm wasted on the lyrics
I've tasted of the truth
Shadows shorten
shadows lengthen
but the music
remains the same.

burning televisions

Can you see those flickers in the night sky?
wars raging
disasters merging
time marching menacingly
toward an unholy future
There are those among us
kicking and screaming
and digging in their heels
but we know
that they will soon be taken care of
When the protests end
submission begins
when the fire in the eyes dies
the whole world grows dimmer
So
"scare up some hope
you're gonna need it just to cope"
and help yourself
if platitudes please you
These nights have a sinister side
and I don't feel like hiding anymore
you can sing your hymns
I'll sing mine
who cares if they don't align?
All I know is
my Maker is staring me in the eye
and all of my excuses
have soured in my hand
We all have to die
but I don't have to fear that fact
So it goes
now you know
living is a fraud
if you live in fear.

so emo

There is no warning in this murky night
there is just silence
cold silence
indifferent silence
an ocean of silence above and beyond
Can anything penetrate
this empty, defeated feeling
I'm carrying around?
Gray days have come and gone
but I still struggle and mope

God, you're so emo, they say
I say, Hey, I was emo before emo was cool
and follow with
if emo was ever cool
I'm pretty sure some of them think emo is cool
I'm pretty sure none of them think I'm cool
My jokes are my faithful defense
but my jokes are watching their backs
because of bigger, meaner ones in the water
The fresher the joke
the bigger the teeth
and I've been feeding mine for far too long
It's safe to say
they've grown older and duller with me

What is the point, you ask
where is the insight
the bravery to bare all
Well,
it lies in the world of desire
because desire informs reality
and friend
I have lost every desire
but the thought
that I could easily disappear
and no one would care or wonder
or ponder or probe
Have you heard these words
echoed in someone else?
Have they haunted you
as they haunt me?
Have you felt the same urge
to erase your reflection in the mirror?
Do you even bother with mirrors anymore
or are you too fragile?
What happens when the questions stop
and the silence begins?
Do you feel the hands of time lurching methodically
or do you feel nothing at all?
Your heart races in anticipation
the end is an emotion
and you rapturously wait to disappear.

redemption road

These bloodshot eyes
are searching hard in the mirror
trying to fathom
some sort of redemption
trying to remember
what's done it before
I remember those days after school
cleats in hand
down by the track
hard work, dirty work
toiling in the sun
walking in the moonlight
the dashboard lights
of an ill-fated Civic
poured upon my misery
howling on cassette
and a girl I lost
hemorrhaging out of me
To run like I have
is to be driven
to face it now
is some sort of madness
It is a flood
and my destiny
is caught up in it
My answer is still and silent
next to me
shaded by sheets
and waiting to meet me
on redemption road.

whispering goodbye

There is nothing but treachery
in this neither world,
this space between reality and dreams
I bleed out my colors here
my cells have lost their structure
they've ruptured
and I bathe in everything
I've ever denied
Your face is just a shadow
it never mattered anyway
you're just a type,
a cut-out, an idol, a talisman
You can't stand the fact
that I'm throwing you away
so you soak me in your magic,
your sticky dew
Your soft parts, your hard parts
call out to me
Your siren wail is calculating and perfect
I imagine writhing with you
enraptured, engulfed by you
and you furiously texting
looking away when my eyes close
closing your eyes when mine open
always two seconds ahead
and eternally unaware of the brilliance
of my words
and how impatiently you stamped out
my well-crafted jokes
It is a perfect place to meet you,
this neither place
because even here
you are an impossible puzzle

This era of my great mistake
is coming to a close
I feel you dying inside of me
I did this--
created every line that was never said
spawned every evil notion about you
drew in the margins of your dirty book
shaded you every color
tweaked your contrast
enlarged your eyes
bled myself into your mouth
and kept you naked and scared
all for myself
Don't you see
it's not what you have
it's what I lack that's festering
between us
When my sin abounds
you are there to soak up the blows
to hold in the tears
and only ask for more
You are a wicked animal
I am your creator
holding the knife to your throat
and whispering goodbye.

this monster of mine

There's a Post-it by your bed
that I fear will always be blank
From where I sit
it almost looks like a thought bubble
above your head
and I want to fill it
with dirty things
You must wonder a lot
about me these days
My familiar aggression seems to be bored
with self-inflicted mayhem
It's on the prowl
for something new to eat
I hope you get out
I hope you still have time
because I don't think I can handle
this monster of mine
Where can I take this
profound malevolence
and fire it off?
How can I break myself
so no one will know
no one will see?
How can I claw the way out
of this diseased and festering
skin of mine?
Dear reader
I know you don't have the answers
and I'm pretty sure
neither do I
So I sleep with the light on
because the darkness
has become so bold.

little miss diversion

You break my madness up
into pieces
you break it up
only then can I swallow
only then can I stomach it
What you allow
is up to me
anything, anywhere
I am a primordial god
aching with creative power
aching with words
I can only keep to myself
You eat from my fingers
tender and lovingly
whatever I choose
For the longest time
I believed you held fast
to the horns of power
but today I see
how weak you've become
I want to
lift you up
so we can see
eye to eye
So we can place
hand in hand
Let me stitch myself
into your soul
let me show you
what it means
to live and die
Your bright eyes and
your unrehearsed smile
only serve to throw my switches
What is it you intend to gain?
Ha
you intend nothing at all
there is no bluff
no secret power play
It's just me
and my naked imagination
staring longingly after you
I square off
only with myself
my sweaty prints
have been left clumsily
all over your images
You left hastily
you were always in flight
I'm left to bite down
on the leather strap
It's time for surgery
rid me of my disease
Cut off the offending hands
gouge out the offending eyes
Make me clean again
clean like an autumn sky
clean like a newborn
clean like the open plains
or the forest floor
Shower me with kerosene
burn me to my core
there is nothing more
to be learned from this
endless stream of diversion.

nothing more

There's always the sound of engines in the distance
of someone mowing their lawn
semis, diesel throb
cars slipping by to nowhere
That's fine
that's okay
I've just lost track of time
Simple times are back
with their multitudinous pleasures
I mean
I can't even recall
when it was ever this easy
Has my wanderlust
come home to roost?
Has my great plague ended?
The rain has penetrated me
coalesced with my bones
I've waxed old in strange places
but in this moment
I feel it sweating out of me
and rising to the sun
The forever wayfaring one
feels no need to travel on
not today
not with the sounds of Summer stirring
Maybe simple things
are heftier than previously thought
Right now
I need nothing more
than the look on your face.

paper doll

I've been trying to draw you close
for the longest time
but you just keep unraveling
my fucking line
You weren't meant to be kept
I get it
not by me
not by anyone
Your eyes have a wildness in them
your feet carry you swiftly away
always away from me
Whatever pulses in your veins
I know
it's nothing like what pulses in mine
You are made of something else
from the ground up
you were built with the rarest materials
You were nourished
never forgotten
never forsaken
What you are today
is everything that I was not
Is it this knowledge
that's driving me nuts
or is it something base and nameless?
You are perpetually free
frozen in my memory
etched in my corneas
I fill in the blanks
when you fall out of line
You have to exist that way
forever
you have to embody the way I never was.

love letters and DNA

In my dreams
I am a madman
incapable of self-defeat
immune to rejection
able to work witchcraft
with words and fingers
In my dreams
you are malleable
and I turn you over
in my knowing hands
But what you are
is some kind of wickedness
I will never understand
That is your beauty
that is your final word
that is my defeat
My dreams
are just tinfoil
in your storm of brimstone
Legends are made
of this sort of material
but I am not an epic character
If anything
I am tragic in nature
unable to transition
unable to see you
or myself
for what we are
I want to name you
I want to bring you
out of the shadows
out of that crippled part of me
out of that house falling in on itself
and into this broad place
this place where I wink
and you smile
and nothing is nothing
and everything is everything
Let me heal you of your hesitation
take my hand
Let's mend as one
There are minerals I need
in your so red blood
vitamins I lust for
in your hot, hot breath
How is it
I never saw you this way
in the beginning
How did your flame grow
into such an indefatigable firestorm?
I am consumed in it
inflicted by it
and you can't help
but look the other way
If that's how we'll play
these final moments
then I have to know
Did you feel nothing
when you were done
when you stepped in my blood
did you look back, look down
Did you think of me at all
or the marks I left on you--
splatters of red
love letters and DNA.

chasing taillights

Your taillights
have grown dim in the distance
and I can't get up to speed
It feels like a dream
but the quiet gives way
to the sound of engines sucking air
and the unnerving knowledge
that I'm running on empty
Did you burst my bubble
or did I do it myself?
For once in my life
I don't care to answer
this ongoing inquisition
The questions have become monsters
the answers have become burdens
and I have become the scapegoat
Surely,
I haven't wrought all of this
How can one man
hate himself so much?
Now I see that
you've turned off my road forever
Am I lonelier?
My hands will take the violence
they've been taught
and they will inflict it inward
always inward
until my patience turns to blackness
and my hope the color of murder
There will be those who wonder
who did this to me
but I just wonder
when it's going to end.

these old songs

Twelve years ago
I saw the best show of my life
twelve years ago
I waded in deep
no apologies
front row
me in the center
I reveled in the beat,
the sweat, the blood
and all the rest
Now, I've let it lay still
in the quiet dust
Thirteen years ago
you entered my atmosphere
It's hard to believe
I was ever able to breathe
without you
You were such an unreality
I vowed to give you form
These old songs
are still on my playlist
Does that tell you anything?
Do you see my body rocking?
It's just my heart beating
now let's pick up
where we left off
because the night
can't get any colder
and my words can't get
much bolder
It's you and me
It's a private thing
we dance to our own cadence.

whipping boy

Write me some of that
shitty ass poetry, boy
You've filled notebooks
with the same "poor me" tripe
since you were in high school
Tell me about your numbered days
and all the ways
you imagine ending it all
You're right--
you've wandered down
an idiot path
Now you can't get your head
out of your ass
long enough to count your blessings
You've made yourself
some kind of pathetic
whipping boy
Simple man, my ass
you have a thousand various ways
of defeating yourself
What would a day be like
without all of your piteous noise?
Would the future seem better
if you could lay off the guilt?
Would the nights pass peacefully
if you were able to stop
dipping your heart
in broken glass and fear?
I like to imagine
these things for you
I know, too
that you keep your pain close.

tuesday blues

Loneliness has permeated
my substrate
and leached into my bones
I'm at the point
I don't feel anything
but desperation
I'm abandoned once again
like that kid waiting for a ride
that will never come
In these moments
my own thoughts
are enemies
and they're armed to the teeth
There is a price to pay
for freedom
a price to pay
for all my hard-won battles
and the will
to stand alone
I came so far
and deserted so much
just to find myself
once again
alone
Turning inward is out of the question
I've stormed those shores
every day of my life
I must abandon the abandonment
invade the invaders
these wounds can lick themselves
There are no reasons to persist
just the hands of the clock
and the sound of my name
in the mouth of a beautiful woman.

you melt away

Don't talk to me
of right and wrong
I'm too crippled
to accomplish either
Don't bother
spelling it out for me
I've already traced every detail
I know what my sins are
but this isn't one of them
I wish I had the strength
to hold such a beautiful mess together
I don't want your
naked body on me
I just want to see
everything that you see
I need to drink deeply
from your hot blood,
your endless reserves
Please tell me
that I'm not that far gone
I just need
someone to believe
In the night
I feel your questioning eyes
Under the sun
I can see you melt away
You are real
but I will never know you
beyond the confines
of my convict mind.

she wanted out

She said she wanted out
It's not you
She just can't function like this
can't breathe
can't see
can't feel anything
She needs to be alone
it's been so long since she's been alone
She needs to feel
the mechanisms of her own mind
churning unmolested
What a blow--
we were over
I was done
all the miles
all the time spent
suddenly it didn't matter
I was just a fool
living on the floor
in the other room
The green chair
and a rusty Jeep
were the only things I owned
What do you do
when you've abandoned your home
only to be kicked out of another?
I don't know what you would do
but let's just say
I found a new drug
There's a place for everything
and everything in its place
Do you know now
why my eyes can never rest?

a waste

Those stars you thought
you could have
not long ago
are the same ones you see now
so far away
Your dreams
were made of the shiniest
and thinnest substances available
your head got wrapped around
too many problems
your navy sailed away
in the darkest night
You never saw it happen
but the end result is the same
Where are you now?
what is your velocity?
How can you keep
pounding out the same old tricks
year after year?
This feeling you have
isn't going away
It has a name
but you won't say it
Call it a spell of bad luck
because bad luck
doesn't last forever
Throwing your time and talents away
can only be called one thing.

bad man

I'm a bad, bad man
looking for relief
looking for a fix
I'm wired wrong
and there's no fixing that
I'm in a bad, bad way
and no one can reach me
no one can reason with me
or my enemies
Do what you will
with your own hands
Can't you see
my hands are tied?
I've become jaded
and bloodthirsty--
thrilled by such petty wonders
What keeps you sane?
what keeps you here?
It is a mountain of will,
an iron fist of desire
but you can see it now
you can finally see it--
your strength wearing thin,
your fortitude wearing out
You can no longer look
beyond today
The cinema in your mind
plays only blood, lust
and bitter revenge
I'm a bad, bad man
on a moonshine binge.

I want you

I want you
to extrapolate for me
meaning from these words
Can you make them yours,
tear them to bits
like a lion would?
In the night
there are no explanations
just your heart
your own beat
and you ought to know
what it's made of
I am soaked
in her wake,
in her ever-spreading surge
she could run circles around me
until the day I die
What a scandal--
but they will never know
who receives this tribute
Melancholic son,
wandering one
who is the face you seek
the one you labor for
You know the answer
It is subversive,
codified in your rigid heart
what a scandal
what a let-down
there is no story
no great betrayal
Your love is stalwart,
incorruptible.

angel devil

Can you feel that
old time religion
hanging in the air?
Can you feel that presence
standing close,
holding you up?
Can you feel that
old gospel beat
pounding in your veins
pounding in your throat?
You can't see
I'm just a man
just a messenger
You don't know
how I got these songs
twisted into me
Oh how I feel you
need me
to lay my hands on you
I can smell your
desperation
I am your man
your savior
your everything
Young one
come to me
receive redemption for your sins
face the suffering symbol
face my body lifted up
for you
I haven't come to speak volumes
my love is a love
you can feel
Hang on
in this backseat confessional
Too many things have
gotten between us
Now it's time
to sing and shout
and get that devil out
I want to drill you
I want to fill you
with my living water
take you down
to the river
make you forever
one with me.

a man should know

I've wandered so far
from every signpost I've ever known
I've achieved a comfortable loneliness
Anyway,
I doubt anyone misses me
These wastelands I inhabit,
are they my home?
I was born at a time, in a place
that I can no longer conjure
Who I was, what I did
no longer have any bearing
A man should know where he comes from
but I have a hard time
keeping it straight
Did any of it leave a mark?
Did anyone become a part of me?
Is there a litmus test for this,
something to make me remember?
I always preferred the alley ways,
the subtle jokes to the grotesque
My sin was a big one--
the sun was always blinding and
I wanted it all for myself
Those things that make you feel small
are the things you vow to own
but I couldn't contain you
could I?
You will stand taller every day
and I will sink into the shadows
still squinting at your sunlight.

a (country) love song

I cain't sing very well
but if I could
I'd sing a song
to my very best friend
She's always there
when I need her
always ready and eager
She's all I'll ever need
I drink beer
to get a little crazy
I drink beer
to keep me safely sane
I drink a little
to get on in the world
I drink a lot
to fuck things up
Don't tell me
that you've never met her
she's the best a man can get
she comes in so many
shapes and sizes
so many colors,
numbers and flavors
I drink beer
when I want to get rowdy
I drink beer
when I want to cry
I drink a little bit
when it's raining and cold
I drink a lot
when the sun comes out
Please tell your friends
about my special woman
I'm not the type
to get jealous
You can go your own way, my friend
but before you do
have one on me
I drink beer
for God and America
I drink beer
from satan's cup
I drink some
when I'm thirsty
I drink a bunch
when I really shouldn't
That's my story, yeah
that's my tale
If you don't believe me, man
you can go straight to hell
Beer ain't something
to keep to yourself
It's love in a bottle
don't keep it on a shelf
If you're wise
then you'll heed my words
love your friends
and buy another round.

sixteen

She's a visual reminder
of what you feel
that's why she's become so
dangerous
You can hide from yourself
but you can't hide
from the way she makes you feel
There is no pleasure in her presence
just an aching, empty spot
and a cauldron of anxiety
threatening to overflow
Keep it together
you tell yourself
keep it together
but it's not doing any good
Your words, your thoughts
have become strangers--
and the most impolite kind of strangers
I want to run
I want to scream
douse me with gasoline
burn me in the street
until I am clean
Looking for trouble
seems to be my new addiction
and trouble is staring back at me
from every mirror
There's no going back
for the pieces I lack
there's nothing in her eyes that I need
just my own enumerations
and endless conjuring of ghosts
of when I was sixteen.

talking to myself

It feels like drowning
when you take my words
and drop them
I don't know where they go
but I know you can't understand them
It feels like strangulation,
the endless waiting
You're close
but I can't make you mine
It's like hearing the same song
but it sends us
two different places
Well
I've known this song my whole life
and you're just now hearing it
Does it sound stale,
over-rehearsed, over-produced?
I'm sorry
but I only have one version
and I sing every line
to an apathetic audience
Maybe I like it this way--
to be misunderstood
and to feel the constant drowning,
life slipping away
I'm hopeless
I've been this way for too long
but there's something
in the back of your eyes
that tells me I'm close.

breaking up the band

Again, you've cast yourself
in a shitty drama
and all the girls' voices
sound tense and flat
If you keep vomiting
up your lines
you'll be okay
Just tell yourself
you'll be okay
You've worked too hard
for too long
to blow this shit
Do you really want
to trade the girl
with the movie star name
for the girl
with the stripper's name?
You've proven to yourself
that you can do a lot
with a little
but what happens
when you get too much?
Too many voices
are crowding in on you
too many eyes
are waiting for you to fall
For too long
your hands have been
the servants of a fool
for too long
you've broken your promises
and sifted through the carnage
Can't you see
you're tunneling into
another massive mistake?
It's one thing
to wage a war on yourself
but you can't control
the collateral damage
You can't control
what happens
after the bomb drops.